Dealing with tantrums in public

As parents, most of us have experienced those moments. You are shopping at a store with your children and something upsets them to the point of tantrum. They scream, throw their arms around – they may even throw themselves on the floor. You try and reason with them, but now you are embarrassed and wish you could just get out of there unnoticed.  These situations can be quite challenging to navigate, but here are some tips to get you through these tough times.

Plan Ahead:

Before you leave the house, talk to your children about what your expectations are while you are shopping. Use positive wording when describing how you would like them to behave.  For example: Instead of saying, “Don’t scream”, say, “We use our quiet voices”.  When planning to take your child shopping, keep in mind that most children can handle shopping for no more than 1 hour at a time. Think about your child’s best time of day. Most children are at their best in the morning. This is a good time to take them shopping. If that isn’t an option, make your shopping trip shorter. At the end of the day your children may only be able to handle a 30 minute trip to the store. Make sure you bring plenty of snacks, water, diapers, whatever it is you need to ensure that you child will be comfortable. Often times children get upset because they feel like their basic needs are not met (e.g., food, water or rest). Planning ahead will give you the best chances at a successful shopping trip.

Make it Fun:

Shopping has the potential to be a lot of fun for both you and your children. Involve your child in the process. Let them help you make a list of the things that you need before you leave the house. When at the store, remind them of the list and have them help you pick out some of those items. For younger children, you can draw a picture of the item that you need (apples) and the amount (6). This is a fun way to keep them involved and a wonderful learning opportunity. Children love to help. Giving them a job to do and making it fun will keep your children engaged in the process and therefore less likely to become distracted. Children are much more likely to become impatient and frustrated when they are bored.

Bring Back Up:

You have packed your snacks and have plenty of water so your child’s basic needs are met. That’s great! Now, there are a few other items that could be good to have as back up. If your child is restless and doesn’t feel like helping you with the shopping you can bring out the “grab bag”.  I call it the “grab bag” because it is good to have things in there that your children can play with and manipulate. Getting your children involved with their hands will take their minds off of the fact that they don’t really feel like shopping.   A “grab bag” is best to be used while your child is sitting in your shopping cart.  In your bag you could include: books, toys that have buttons to push (ones that aren’t too loud), squishy toys, photo album of family and friends, dolls and toy cars.  Each child’s interests are different, so you should have a separate bag for each of your children.  This will also help to reduce fighting over the items in the bags.

Remain Calm:

You have done everything you can to ensure that your little one stays busy and content, but something still triggers them to get upset. They start to scream and cry (perhaps because they want something that they aren’t allowed to have) and now you find yourself in the middle of a full out tantrum. You look around and it feels like everyone in the store is staring at you, you start to get embarrassed and feel like people are judging you (Most people are not judging you. Many of them are parents and know what it is like to be in your position).  Just take a deep breath and stay calm.  If you remain calm, it is less likely that you child will escalate even further. It is also important to stay calm because children can sense when you are uncomfortable and therefore more likely to give in to something you normally wouldn’t. The rules should be the same in public as they are at home or children will know that they can get away with more when you go out shopping.

 Allow them their moment:

When children start to scream our natural instinct is to try and be louder than they are in order to get their attention.  You will have much more luck getting their attention if you are quiet and calm.  Keep in mind that your child is still learning about what is an appropriate way to express their feelings.  All they know is that they are upset and feel unheard.  We all know what that’s like to feel like no one is listening to what we want (regardless of whether our demands make sense).  Give your child their moment to be upset.  Don’t try and make it better by giving in to your child’s demands, just listen to why they are upset and validate their feelings.  If they continue to scream and cry that’s ok.  Yes, it might be embarrassing – but it is an important part of learning that they won’t always be able to get what they want.  Give them a few minutes to be upset (you can take them out of the store if they continue to escalate or you don’t feel comfortable dealing with the situation where you are), then get down at eye level, encourage them to take some deep breaths and work on a solution together, and then return to the store (if you left).

Teach your child:

After you have taken some deep breaths and are able to get your child to focus. Use this opportunity as a teaching moment. Easier said than done, I know, especially when you are tired and frustrated. But, it will help your child understand what your expectations are and make other outings in the future easier.  Avoid giving your child a time out in public spaces.  Your child is already upset and feeling unheard.  Fighting with them over sitting in a time out will only cause them and you to become more frustrated.   After you have listened to why your child is upset, work on a solution that will work for both of you.  This also encourages problem solving skills.  Once you have figured out something that will work for both of you, go over the expectations you have while you are shopping (same ones you went over before leaving the house).  Remind them that how they feel is important to you, but that they also need to communicate their feelings without screaming or hitting.

Move on:

Give your child some affection, a hug or a silly handshake.  This will affirm for your child that you still love them regardless of how they behave and help you move on and start again.  Once you have moved on, don’t bring up what happened in the store. Focus on what your child is doing well and what they are doing that is helpful.  If your child continues to escalate or have several tantrums and there is no way to get them to calm down (after 5-10 minutes), be prepared to abort your shopping mission.  Your child may be too tired or uncomfortable to continue shopping.  Sometimes you will need to leave the store, go home and regroup.  This can be very frustrating and inconvenient, but may be necessary in order to properly deal with the situation.

Remember that shopping can be fun, and try not to dread taking your toddler to the grocery store. As children get older and understand how to express themselves in appropriate ways, tantrums in public will be a thing of the past.

 Happy Shopping!

 

 

 

Great Tips on Travelling with Children

Travelling with Children

These tips will be most helpful to those travelling by car, but can also be used when travelling by plane, train, bus etc...

Travelling with our children is inevitable. Instead of dreading that trip to Grandma’s house, try these tips for a smoother ride.

If you are travelling with a young child, who still has naps – try and plan your trip around their nap time. If it can be avoided, try not to plan your trip so that your child will be over-tired and therefore harder to reason with. It is best to travel just before their nap time, so that 30 minutes into the trip they drift off into a nice sleep, and you get 1-2 hours of quiet time. Remember to bring everything that your child will need to feel comfortable having a nap – blanket, stuffed animal, soother (if you use one), milk, story books etc. You want to create the same feeling of comfort and safety for your child that they would get at home. (Some infants will get quite upset when they can’t see you, so travelling in a car can be tricky. If you are travelling with another adult, sit in the back with your baby and play with them, read to them or sooth them to sleep. You can also give them a bottle, soother and/or sing them some songs).  

Ok, so all has gone according to plan (it might not) and now your child is awake, but there is still time left in your travels. Bring a goody bag – this is a bag of toys, books, activities that your child has never seen before. You can either tell your child beforehand that they will be getting a “Goody Bag” or surprise them with it. Each child should have their own goody bag, expecting them to share will only cause conflicts. Make sure that each bag is based on each child’s individual interests. I like to go to the Dollar store and load up on colouring books and other great activities (last time I was there they even had travel sized Mr. Potatoes Heads).

When in doubt, bring a video for them to watch. Some of the mini-vans now have DVD players in them which I am sure that many parents find quite handy. Try to make watching videos in the car a special thing that you only do on trips, so that your children have something to look forward to (of course this is only for children 2 years old and up). If you are not travelling by mini-van, with built in DVD player – as many of us aren’t – bring a laptop or portable DVD player with you. This may save you…especially if your children don’t nap.

Remember to bring snacks. We can all become quite cranky if we don’t get enough to eat in a day and children need to eat even more regularly than we do. So…make sure that you bring enough to eat and drink, so that you won’t have to make too many stops and hear too many complaints about being hungry. When you are packing snacks, keep them healthy and sugar-free as much as possible. There is nothing quite like having all your children jacked up on sugar and then trying to confine them to a car, train or plane. That is not going to be much fun for anyone.

Know your limits and your children’s. If your child hates to travel, no matter what you do…then limit the time that you travel. I realize this may be easier said than done, but do what you can to limit the amount of hours that you need to travel in a day. If you are travelling by car, plan to stop along the way and let everyone stretch their legs and use the washroom. And, if you need to – plan some overnights along the way. Travelling with your children doesn’t have to be about just getting from point A to point B…maybe there is something interesting in between.

Give yourself plenty of time. Now, when I say “plenty of time” – I don’t just mean give yourself enough time on the clock…I mean, give yourself and your children enough time to get to your destination in one piece. That will look different for every family. Some parents might have a child who needs to use the washroom frequently, or a child who gets car/plane sick or even a child who needs time to stop and run around every hour. Know the needs of your family and then plan accordingly. If you are travelling by car, do not give yourself a time that you need to be at your final destination. Example – If you are visiting family or friends…don’t tell them that you will be there by a certain time. This only puts pressure on you and causes you to feel rushed…which of course makes us rush our children. Children hate to be rushed. So, just tell people that you are hoping to be there by a certain time and that you will call them if plans change.

Have fun. To quote Hemingway (which I don’t often do): “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway. What does that mean? Well…it means that you want to have fun and enjoy the travelling part of your journey as much as you can. Play games, talk about things that interest your children and enjoy each other’s company. There are several website that give great ideas on travelling games – see what you can find!

Treat yourself and your children. Our child never gets chocolate…ok, she gets chocolate cookies from time to time…but never pure chocolate. So, her treat for doing a really good job when we travel is a Kinder Egg. If you restrict the candy that your children get in general, they will be much more excited about getting some at the end of a trip. You should also treat yourself!

You made it…you are all in one piece and actually had fun along the way – it is now time for your treat.  Although, getting through a travelling day with your children without any huge hiccups is a treat in itself! If you often travel to the same place, ex. Grandparents – find a place near their house that you can all get out and celebrate with a little treat. Maybe there is an ice cream place nearby? A nice little bakery? Make it part of the journey…

After all, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway

Safe Travels Everyone!

 

20 Things I wish I knew before becoming a Mom.

1.      The word “love” will take on a whole new meaning.

2.      Your relationship with your spouse will change – but time will bring you back to each other.

3.      Sleep will become a luxury, not a right

4.     You will wonder why you ever had children – and also wonder how you could ever live without them.

5.      It is okay not to have all the answers.

6.     You will hear your own mother’s voice come out of your mouth.

7.     Time goes by much faster when you are a parent

8.      Having children – gives you permission to let lose, have fun, be silly and embrace life through new eyes.

9.      At times you will feel very alone – and yet you will never have enough alone time.

10.  Patience and humour will get you through many difficult situations.

11.  You will worry…you will worry a lot.

12.  Be creative – children get bored easily. Try new things and explore every possibility.

13.  Having children will dig up all kinds of doubts and insecurities that you never knew you had.

14. Perfection and parenting do not mix.

15.  Your children do not belong to you. You are there to love and guide them as best you can - the rest is up to them.

16. The stakes will seem very high and you will wonder if your choices will somehow damage your children. If you give your them love, respect, empathy, freedom and consistency…they will be just fine.

17. Parenting is not something that you can just try out. It is a life-long commitment – there is no return policy.

18.  Having children will shine a light on your own mortality.

19.  You will need help raising your children – there is a reason why they say “it takes a village”.

20.  Be gentle with yourself. You will be a great mom and your children will be lucky to have you. After all the sleepless nights, diaper changes and personal struggles – you will know that you are doing something amazing.

©Professor Mom (M. Wright), 2013. 

    

Pretty Princesses and Barbie Dolls -

 

 Top 5 ways to avoid gender stereotyping young girls.



When I was young, I can remember going to the playground to play basketball with my brother. I loved playing basketball, in fact, I enjoyed most sports. One day when my brother and I were playing basketball, two boys approached my brother to ask if we wanted to play against them. One of them said (to my brother), “Do you and your little brother want to play against us?” My brother and I looked at each other and then back at the boys and said, “Sure”.  I don’t think we ever corrected them – never said, actually I am his sister…that’s right, a girl who happens to play basketball! It just seemed easier in that moment to be a boy. That way I didn’t have to explain myself or listen to boys joke about how they “lost to a girl”. I could just be one of the guys.

Looking back, it was not that I identified more with boys than girls. I loved being a girl…still do. It was just that I didn’t like the things that girls were “suppose to” like.  I remember getting Barbie dolls and then pretending to blow them up with my brother’s G.I. Joe figurines.  I didn’t like to wear dresses or have my hair done. At recess all the boys would be playing “wall ball” (a game where you hit a tennis ball against the wall with your hand) and the girls would usually just watch them play – or jump with skipping ropes. I wanted to play wall ball – that seemed like a lot more fun than just sitting on the side lines.

Boys always seemed to be having more fun. It was more acceptable for boys to get dirty and play rough with each other. They played cops and robbers and capture the flag, while girls just seemed to sit and talk (usually about boys). Of course not all girls just sat around chatting – this just happened to be the group of girls that I was friends with.

Now that I have my own child, I worry about her feeling limited by her gender. I worry that she won’t feel comfortable doing what she wants – because it is something that “boys” do.

The world has changed a lot since I was young and gender roles have changed along with it – but those messages are still out there - the messages that tell children that if you are a girl you should like pink dresses and princesses…and if you are a boy you should like trucks and superheroes.

About a month ago I went to a department store looking to buy Finley (my daughter) her first bike. Going into the bicycle section I was a little overwhelmed by how many bikes there were to choose from.

I noticed a sign that was meant to help you choose the “right” bike for your child. The sign read, “How to choose a bike for a girl – girls want a bike that is pretty and fun.” Further down on the sign it read, “How to choose a bike for a boy – boys want a bike that is tough and can handle all their adventures.” That sign was sending a pretty clear message about what is expected of girls and of boys. (If you follow me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ProfessorMom – you may have already heard that story).

I was so upset by the sign that I immediately left the store. How is it that in 2013 we still have messages like these? Girls are pretty and boys are tough. Girls sit on the sidelines and boys are in the game – it reminded me of school days watching “wall ball” and wishing that I could play.

So, as a parent – how do I teach Finley that there is no expectation on her to be pretty and sweet? It is not that I want her to reject all things feminine…I simply want her to know that it is her choice.  It is not her parent’s choice or her friend’s choice – and not society’s choice either. It is her choice. She gets to choose how she wants to be in this world. If she wants to wear dresses and paint her nails, fine by me. If she wants to wear a blue polo shirt and play with trucks, fine by me.  This can be difficult when society still thinks they have the right to define who you are by your gender.

I saw this very helpful guide recently on how to choose the proper toys for girls and boys.

Hopefully you find it useful:

 

 

 

 

Image by Kristen Myers Design/Paranoid Shiksa Feminista.

Ok…seriously though. What can we do to support the uniqueness in each of our children and stop defining them by their gender? I have come up with a Top 5 list.

Top 5 ways to avoid gender stereotyping young girls.

1)      Choose toys based on your child’s interests, age and developmental level – not their gender.

As the guide above so conveniently pointed out – toys are toys. They are meant for all genders. Do not limit your child to toys that are advertised for boys or girls.  Let your children be involved in the process, you might be surprised at what they would choose to play with if they are not limited to “girls” toys or “boys” toys.

*When you are shopping for things for your children to play with, avoid going to toy stores that have their stores divided by girls and boys toys (ex. Toys R Us). This just causes confusion and reinforces gender-stereotyping.

2)      Avoid complementing your children on how they look, based on their gender.  How many times have you heard someone say,“You are such a pretty princess!” to a young girl. Children love to have our attention and will soak up all the compliments they can.  It is wonderful to compliment your children, but focus more on what they do as a posed to how they look. If we compliment them on how they look with phrases like the one mentioned above, this sends subtle messages to them that a girl’s role is to be pretty and sweet. If we compliment them on what they do, "Look at how high you built that tower" - it sends messages that they are capable and smart.

3)      Read books and watch videos that show men and women in “non-traditional” roles. It is important that we as parents don’t reinforce gender-stereotypes by reading books and watching television shows that always show men and women in specific roles. If we read books where boys are the ones playing with cars and girls are the ones playing with Barbie dolls – we are reaffirming those messages that this is the expectation…really what we are doing is subtly programming them to act and behave a certain way based on their gender.  A good book to read, if you haven't already is “The Paper Bag Princess” by Robert Munsch.

4)      Choose clothes based on practicality and durability, rather than how “pretty” or “handsome” your child will look in them. This is a hard one, because society puts so much pressure on parents to dress their children a certain way. We want our children to look nice and of course we want them to “fit in” – but sometimes “fitting in” is more about “blending in” instead of standing out. We want our children to stand out – but not so far that they are teased or bullied. This can be a fine line.  My advice…let your children wear what they want to wear. We always give our daughter a choice between many different outfits – some are more “boyish” and others are more “girly”. We don’t buy anything that is pink and frilly – nothing too over the top. Then we just let it be up to her.

5)      Be aware of your own views on what roles men and women should have. This is a big one! I remember working at a childcare centre many years ago and there was a little boy there that loved dressing up. He would carry around purses and wear jewelry, and would often put on dresses and princess costumes. One of the days when he was dressed particularly fancy (dress, purse, necklace, long gloves and a crown) his father arrived to pick him up. Well, he got so upset that his son was wearing “girls” clothes that he started an argument with the teacher and said that his son was not allowed to dress like that. Seems a bit extreme…but we all have our own views about what roles men and women should have. Think about where those views come from and try not to impose those views on your children – unless your views allow your children to express themselves in whatever way they want…regardless of gender.

I personally don’t believe that we need to try and raise all of our children “genderless” – like some people have tried to do…

http://www.ctvnews.ca/baby-raised-without-gender-sets-off-debate-1.649286

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/01/24/parents-who-hid-childs-gender-for-five-years-now-face-backlash/

That just puts the pressure on our children to change the views of our society.

It is our job as parents to give our children the freedom to be themselves, dress how they want and play with whatever toys they like.

I want Finley (our daughter) to know that she can be whatever she wants to be – and that she is in no way limited by her gender...she could even change the world!

 

When in doubt...SING!

I can remember many years ago working as a camp counsellor for a summer camp at a community centre.  I was in charge of planning activities and supervising children ages 4 years to 17 years old – quite a large age range. I was very new to working with children and was unfamiliar with how to deal with conflicts that came up between them.  My co-counsellor was also inexperienced so it made for quite the interesting summer.

We were playing a game in the gym one day and a few boys started to argue and then fight. My co-counsellor looked at me with panic in her eyes – and I knew it was up to me to do something. Not having any background in behaviour management I just did the first thing that came to mind…I started to sing. Yes, that’s right – four 16 year old boys are fighting each other in the gym and I randomly break out into song. I sang, “Please don’t fight, please…please don’t fight – I said…don’t fight, don’t fight, please…please don’t fight!” I sang it like I was a cheerleader and jumped up and down like I had pom-poms in my hands.
Well, as you can imagine – my co-counselor’s look of panic had changed to confusion and perhaps concern for my sanity. She looked at me and then looked at the boys, who had stopped fighting…looked back at me – and then, we all broke into hysterical laughter. The boys seemed to forget what they were fighting about and we went back to playing our game.

I never forgot that. There is a lot of power in singing.

As a mom, I have incorporated this philosophy, “When in doubt…Sing” into our daily lives.  There are instances that come up in a day, when Finley (my daughter, 19 months old) would rather not do what needs to be done (diaper changes, eating, washing hands and face, tidying up, going for a nap, using the toilet, coming in from outside…the list goes on). Singing almost always makes these tasks much easier to manage, for both of us. It has the power to break their focus for a minute, allowing you the opportunity to side-step a power struggle.  Example: Your child doesn't want to brush their teeth (we use this one with Finley) - pick a short song and sing it to them while brushing their teeth. This will give them something else to focus on and will help them learn that they can stop brushing their teeth when the song is done. We sing, "Twinkle, Twinkle, little star".

 It is not only great for defusing challenging situations, it is also helpful during transitions and encouraging life skills – like tidying.

When it is time for us to tidy up, we often sing the “Tidy up song”. Some parents may already be familiar with this song, but for those who aren’t, here are the lyrics. “Clean up, clean up, everybody - everywhere. Clean up, clean up, everybody do their share.”  It is amazing how quickly your children will tidy when you (and eventually them) are singing this song.  Children at this age (Toddlers) are starting to exert their independence and it can be hard to convince them that they need to do something that they don’t want to do.  Singing is a fun and positive approach to getting your children interested in something that needs to be done.

This Potty time song is also a favourite in our house:

It makes me laugh every time I listen to it…and is fun for Finley as she learns to use the toilet. I have also been known to make up songs for using the toilet, like: “Poo-Poo in the toilet” sung to the tune of “Message in a Bottle” by the Police. (But that’s a whole other blog!)
And, singing can be done anytime, anywhere. You carry around this great resource with you everywhere you go. I encourage you to sing…sing songs that you like (with appropriate lyrics of course) or make them up as you go along.

Remember, when you are transitioning, building on new skills or dealing with a challenging situation…

When in doubt…SING!


- PM

Emergent Parenting

As you may have read already in my profile, I am an Early Childhood Educator and a mother of a wonderful 19 month old girl named Finley. She is very bright and involves herself in many different things, so it can be a challenge coming up with activities that will hold her attention and build on her skills.  As an emergent parent, I facilitate her learning by really paying attention to the things that she likes. In the Early Childhood Education field, we talk a lot about Emergent Curriculum. This follows a similar principle that children learn best when they are interested in what you are teaching.  Many child care centres have adopted this teaching philosophy because it is an approach to teaching that recognizes that children are leaders for their own learning. This is a conscious way of teaching, meaning that you observe the children – discover their interests and then incorporate that into your curriculum plan. This same principle can be used as a parent. You don’t have to be an Early Childhood Educator to implement these principles into your regular schedule.

The first step to being an emergent parent is observing your children. I know that it may seem daunting to add yet another thing to your routine, but this will have huge benefits to both you and your children. Take some time once a week to sit back and watch your children (enjoy a cup of coffee at the same time). What toys are they interested in? What are they saying? What books do they show an interest in? Write down the date and what you see and hear in a journal. This journal will also be a keepsake that you can show your children when they are older. When you get some time to yourself (after they have gone to sleep), go over what you have written. If you notice, for example, that your child is showing an interest in balls – come up with activities that include balls, but that are also educational. It is important to plan activities that enhance all of the developmental domains (Cognitive, Social, Emotional, Creative and Physical).

Example 1: Talk to your child about different sizes, using balls to indicate small, medium and large (Cognitive). Example 2: Bring a ball outside and play a game with some neighbourhood children (Social+ Physical). Example 3:  Make a chart and see which ball bounces the highest (Cognitive). Example 4: Use balls in an art activity, by rolling them through paint (Creative). Example 5: Buy some inexpensive balls that have no images on them and use a permanent marker to draw faces on them – happy, sad, angry etc. Talk about the different emotions that each ball represents and then use the balls in a game. Have your child show emotion through bouncing the angry ball, Twirling the happy ball and rolling the sad ball. You can also have your child come up with different movements for the balls. (Emotional)

If you are really into it (and you have the time), take pictures of your child while they do these activities and then add them into your journal. You can also decorate them by including some of the art work that they do.

There are so many different ways to encourage your child’s learning by using things that they are interested in. By focussing on what they want to do, you can help your children grow in each of the developmental domains (Cognitive, Social, Emotional, Creative, and Physical).  If you're interested in learning more about emergent curriculum, check out this link: http://www.frfp.ca/professional-resources/program-planning-and-resources/Emergent-Curriculum/Emergent-curriculum-for-infants-and-toddlers-booklet-Canadian-Child-Care-Federation.pdf.

If you are having some difficulty coming up with activities that match your child’s interests, feel free to comment on this blog or send me an email and I'd be happy to give you some ideas.

- PM

Welcome to Professor Mom!

Thanks for visiting my new blog!

Here's a little bit about me and why I decided to start blogging......

As a mom, I am a breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping - attachment parent. I am a stay-at-home mom who also works from home part-time.

As an educator, I have 15 years of experience working with children and families. I am a Registered Early Childhood Educator and I am currently a teacher of Early Childhood Education at an Ontario College.

When I first became a mom (19 months ago), I went to many playgroups and spoke to many other new moms. Once they found out that I was an Early Childhood Educator, they asked questions.  Lots of questions. They wanted to know what was normal childhood development, where to find quality childcare, how to manage being a new parent, breastfeeding, attachment parenting and many other topics.

I decided to write this blog in the hopes of sharing some of my experience and education to help parents deal with some of these challenging topics in a straight forward and easy to understand way. I hope that the topics I discuss will generate discussion and I hope you'll post comments and send me your questions and ideas.   

 - PM

On a side note: This blog is an expression of my opinion and should not be taken as medical advice. If you have concerns related to your child’s health or development, please contact your doctor or other health related professional.