Dealing with tantrums in public

As parents, most of us have experienced those moments. You are shopping at a store with your children and something upsets them to the point of tantrum. They scream, throw their arms around – they may even throw themselves on the floor. You try and reason with them, but now you are embarrassed and wish you could just get out of there unnoticed.  These situations can be quite challenging to navigate, but here are some tips to get you through these tough times.

Plan Ahead:

Before you leave the house, talk to your children about what your expectations are while you are shopping. Use positive wording when describing how you would like them to behave.  For example: Instead of saying, “Don’t scream”, say, “We use our quiet voices”.  When planning to take your child shopping, keep in mind that most children can handle shopping for no more than 1 hour at a time. Think about your child’s best time of day. Most children are at their best in the morning. This is a good time to take them shopping. If that isn’t an option, make your shopping trip shorter. At the end of the day your children may only be able to handle a 30 minute trip to the store. Make sure you bring plenty of snacks, water, diapers, whatever it is you need to ensure that you child will be comfortable. Often times children get upset because they feel like their basic needs are not met (e.g., food, water or rest). Planning ahead will give you the best chances at a successful shopping trip.

Make it Fun:

Shopping has the potential to be a lot of fun for both you and your children. Involve your child in the process. Let them help you make a list of the things that you need before you leave the house. When at the store, remind them of the list and have them help you pick out some of those items. For younger children, you can draw a picture of the item that you need (apples) and the amount (6). This is a fun way to keep them involved and a wonderful learning opportunity. Children love to help. Giving them a job to do and making it fun will keep your children engaged in the process and therefore less likely to become distracted. Children are much more likely to become impatient and frustrated when they are bored.

Bring Back Up:

You have packed your snacks and have plenty of water so your child’s basic needs are met. That’s great! Now, there are a few other items that could be good to have as back up. If your child is restless and doesn’t feel like helping you with the shopping you can bring out the “grab bag”.  I call it the “grab bag” because it is good to have things in there that your children can play with and manipulate. Getting your children involved with their hands will take their minds off of the fact that they don’t really feel like shopping.   A “grab bag” is best to be used while your child is sitting in your shopping cart.  In your bag you could include: books, toys that have buttons to push (ones that aren’t too loud), squishy toys, photo album of family and friends, dolls and toy cars.  Each child’s interests are different, so you should have a separate bag for each of your children.  This will also help to reduce fighting over the items in the bags.

Remain Calm:

You have done everything you can to ensure that your little one stays busy and content, but something still triggers them to get upset. They start to scream and cry (perhaps because they want something that they aren’t allowed to have) and now you find yourself in the middle of a full out tantrum. You look around and it feels like everyone in the store is staring at you, you start to get embarrassed and feel like people are judging you (Most people are not judging you. Many of them are parents and know what it is like to be in your position).  Just take a deep breath and stay calm.  If you remain calm, it is less likely that you child will escalate even further. It is also important to stay calm because children can sense when you are uncomfortable and therefore more likely to give in to something you normally wouldn’t. The rules should be the same in public as they are at home or children will know that they can get away with more when you go out shopping.

 Allow them their moment:

When children start to scream our natural instinct is to try and be louder than they are in order to get their attention.  You will have much more luck getting their attention if you are quiet and calm.  Keep in mind that your child is still learning about what is an appropriate way to express their feelings.  All they know is that they are upset and feel unheard.  We all know what that’s like to feel like no one is listening to what we want (regardless of whether our demands make sense).  Give your child their moment to be upset.  Don’t try and make it better by giving in to your child’s demands, just listen to why they are upset and validate their feelings.  If they continue to scream and cry that’s ok.  Yes, it might be embarrassing – but it is an important part of learning that they won’t always be able to get what they want.  Give them a few minutes to be upset (you can take them out of the store if they continue to escalate or you don’t feel comfortable dealing with the situation where you are), then get down at eye level, encourage them to take some deep breaths and work on a solution together, and then return to the store (if you left).

Teach your child:

After you have taken some deep breaths and are able to get your child to focus. Use this opportunity as a teaching moment. Easier said than done, I know, especially when you are tired and frustrated. But, it will help your child understand what your expectations are and make other outings in the future easier.  Avoid giving your child a time out in public spaces.  Your child is already upset and feeling unheard.  Fighting with them over sitting in a time out will only cause them and you to become more frustrated.   After you have listened to why your child is upset, work on a solution that will work for both of you.  This also encourages problem solving skills.  Once you have figured out something that will work for both of you, go over the expectations you have while you are shopping (same ones you went over before leaving the house).  Remind them that how they feel is important to you, but that they also need to communicate their feelings without screaming or hitting.

Move on:

Give your child some affection, a hug or a silly handshake.  This will affirm for your child that you still love them regardless of how they behave and help you move on and start again.  Once you have moved on, don’t bring up what happened in the store. Focus on what your child is doing well and what they are doing that is helpful.  If your child continues to escalate or have several tantrums and there is no way to get them to calm down (after 5-10 minutes), be prepared to abort your shopping mission.  Your child may be too tired or uncomfortable to continue shopping.  Sometimes you will need to leave the store, go home and regroup.  This can be very frustrating and inconvenient, but may be necessary in order to properly deal with the situation.

Remember that shopping can be fun, and try not to dread taking your toddler to the grocery store. As children get older and understand how to express themselves in appropriate ways, tantrums in public will be a thing of the past.

 Happy Shopping!

 

 

 

The Naughty List - A Christmas Tradition

The Naughty List – A Christmas Tradition

Santa Claus is coming to town…or is he?

It is that magical time of year again. The malls are pumping out Christmas tunes and stores have all their Christmas decorations out to remind us that we don’t have much time left before the big day.

Unfortunately, Christmas songs are not the only thing you hear while shopping. It is also the time of year when many parents pull out the threat of the “naughty list”. The threat that Christmas will not happen and Santa will not come if you are bad. They say things like, “Santa is watching” and “Santa won’t come if you are naughty.” I realize that parents are desperately trying to keep their children in line before Christmas – and that the whole hype around the holidays just makes children more and more excited and less and less manageable. But, it is not fair to children to threaten to take away their holiday traditions, just because they are not behaving in a way that is acceptable to you.

It’s funny, because I am pretty sure that people who celebrate Christmas and do the whole “Santa thing” are the only ones dishing out the threats. I have never heard people who celebrate Hanukkah saying, “There will be no lighting of the menorah if you are bad” or what about Kwanza, are there parents out there saying, “No Kwanza for you!” I doubt it.  It seems to be a part of the whole Christmas tradition. It must be the Christians who came up with the idea of Santa watching us. Apparently we always need someone to watch us, just in case we step out of line. Basically, as adults there is the threat of going to hell which keeps us on our toes, and for children it is the threat of no toys (which, let’s face it – is their own idea of hell).

The whole concept of Santa being able to see us is a bit creepy. I can remember as a kid lying awake waiting for Santa to come and my mom saying, “Santa can’t come until you are asleep…he can see you.” So, you are telling me that I have to go to sleep so that a strange bearded man can sneak into the house, eat my cookies and leave me some presents…hmmm, made sense to me.

I have to say though, that I love Christmas. It is such a fun and magical time.  And, not only Christmas - but all of the holiday traditions that people share. The holidays are really about children. So, why are we threatening to take that away? Next time you want to pull out your “Santa isn’t going to come if you are bad card” – consider this.

Here is what your children hear when you threaten to take away their presents.

1)    The only reason to listen to my parents and be caring and considerate of others is to get what I want (presents).

2)     The way that you behave has so much power that you can change holiday traditions.

3)    Getting presents is the most important part of the holidays.

4)    As your parent, if I don’t like the way that you are behaving, I have the right to take away something very special to you.

5)    Santa won’t like you if you are bad.

 

 

I know that it is very tempting to use Santa as a means of getting your children to behave – but it is not a holiday tradition that you want to pass on from generation to generation. Besides, we all know how empty that threat is. Would you really take away your child’s imagination and love of that jolly old elf, just because they had been “naughty”? My guess is, no.

Think about all the wonderful things that you want to share with your children. The fun - the magic…and leave Santa out of your discipline strategies.

Here is a really fun way to make the idea of Santa come alive for your children – oh, and make sure that you put all of your children on the “Nice” list.

http://www.portablenorthpole.com/home

Happy Holidays!

 

 

Ridiculous (and hurtful) things parents say – and what children actually hear.

 

What we say to our children has a huge impact on how they see the world and more importantly how they see themselves. At times we can lose our patience and say things that we don't really mean - things that may seem harmless to us, but what do our children actually hear. This is a list of some commonly used phrases that parents use and the messages that are being received by our children.

 

1)      You better do _____or else.

 

“Something bad is going to happen to you if you don’t ______”

 

 

2)      Don’t talk back to me.

 

“What you have to say is not important to me.”

 

 

3)      I’ll give you something to cry about.

 

“Your feelings don’t matter to me.”

 

 

4)      Think about the starving children in Africa.

 

“You should keep eating, even when you are full or don’t enjoy it.”

 

 

5)      Don’t make me come over there!

 

“If I have to come over there, something bad will happen to you.”

 

 

6)      When I was your age we didn’t have________.

 

“Don’t be so selfish.

 

 

7)      You are getting on my last nerve.

 

“I don’t enjoy being with you.”

 

 

8)      You are going to get it!

 

“You are not going to like what I am about to do.”

 

 

9)      Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?

 

“Who you are isn’t good enough.”

 

 

10)  Well…if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you want to do that too?

 

“You are not smart enough to make your own decisions.”

 

 

11)  You are cruising for a bruising.

 

“What you are doing makes me want to hurt you.”

 

 

12)  Life isn’t fair.

 

“Fairness is not something that we value.”

 

Choose you words carefully and protect your child’s self-esteem.

 

What ridiculous things do you find yourself saying to your children? Post them below.

Great Tips on Travelling with Children

Travelling with Children

These tips will be most helpful to those travelling by car, but can also be used when travelling by plane, train, bus etc...

Travelling with our children is inevitable. Instead of dreading that trip to Grandma’s house, try these tips for a smoother ride.

If you are travelling with a young child, who still has naps – try and plan your trip around their nap time. If it can be avoided, try not to plan your trip so that your child will be over-tired and therefore harder to reason with. It is best to travel just before their nap time, so that 30 minutes into the trip they drift off into a nice sleep, and you get 1-2 hours of quiet time. Remember to bring everything that your child will need to feel comfortable having a nap – blanket, stuffed animal, soother (if you use one), milk, story books etc. You want to create the same feeling of comfort and safety for your child that they would get at home. (Some infants will get quite upset when they can’t see you, so travelling in a car can be tricky. If you are travelling with another adult, sit in the back with your baby and play with them, read to them or sooth them to sleep. You can also give them a bottle, soother and/or sing them some songs).  

Ok, so all has gone according to plan (it might not) and now your child is awake, but there is still time left in your travels. Bring a goody bag – this is a bag of toys, books, activities that your child has never seen before. You can either tell your child beforehand that they will be getting a “Goody Bag” or surprise them with it. Each child should have their own goody bag, expecting them to share will only cause conflicts. Make sure that each bag is based on each child’s individual interests. I like to go to the Dollar store and load up on colouring books and other great activities (last time I was there they even had travel sized Mr. Potatoes Heads).

When in doubt, bring a video for them to watch. Some of the mini-vans now have DVD players in them which I am sure that many parents find quite handy. Try to make watching videos in the car a special thing that you only do on trips, so that your children have something to look forward to (of course this is only for children 2 years old and up). If you are not travelling by mini-van, with built in DVD player – as many of us aren’t – bring a laptop or portable DVD player with you. This may save you…especially if your children don’t nap.

Remember to bring snacks. We can all become quite cranky if we don’t get enough to eat in a day and children need to eat even more regularly than we do. So…make sure that you bring enough to eat and drink, so that you won’t have to make too many stops and hear too many complaints about being hungry. When you are packing snacks, keep them healthy and sugar-free as much as possible. There is nothing quite like having all your children jacked up on sugar and then trying to confine them to a car, train or plane. That is not going to be much fun for anyone.

Know your limits and your children’s. If your child hates to travel, no matter what you do…then limit the time that you travel. I realize this may be easier said than done, but do what you can to limit the amount of hours that you need to travel in a day. If you are travelling by car, plan to stop along the way and let everyone stretch their legs and use the washroom. And, if you need to – plan some overnights along the way. Travelling with your children doesn’t have to be about just getting from point A to point B…maybe there is something interesting in between.

Give yourself plenty of time. Now, when I say “plenty of time” – I don’t just mean give yourself enough time on the clock…I mean, give yourself and your children enough time to get to your destination in one piece. That will look different for every family. Some parents might have a child who needs to use the washroom frequently, or a child who gets car/plane sick or even a child who needs time to stop and run around every hour. Know the needs of your family and then plan accordingly. If you are travelling by car, do not give yourself a time that you need to be at your final destination. Example – If you are visiting family or friends…don’t tell them that you will be there by a certain time. This only puts pressure on you and causes you to feel rushed…which of course makes us rush our children. Children hate to be rushed. So, just tell people that you are hoping to be there by a certain time and that you will call them if plans change.

Have fun. To quote Hemingway (which I don’t often do): “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway. What does that mean? Well…it means that you want to have fun and enjoy the travelling part of your journey as much as you can. Play games, talk about things that interest your children and enjoy each other’s company. There are several website that give great ideas on travelling games – see what you can find!

Treat yourself and your children. Our child never gets chocolate…ok, she gets chocolate cookies from time to time…but never pure chocolate. So, her treat for doing a really good job when we travel is a Kinder Egg. If you restrict the candy that your children get in general, they will be much more excited about getting some at the end of a trip. You should also treat yourself!

You made it…you are all in one piece and actually had fun along the way – it is now time for your treat.  Although, getting through a travelling day with your children without any huge hiccups is a treat in itself! If you often travel to the same place, ex. Grandparents – find a place near their house that you can all get out and celebrate with a little treat. Maybe there is an ice cream place nearby? A nice little bakery? Make it part of the journey…

After all, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway

Safe Travels Everyone!

 

20 Things I wish I knew before becoming a Mom.

1.      The word “love” will take on a whole new meaning.

2.      Your relationship with your spouse will change – but time will bring you back to each other.

3.      Sleep will become a luxury, not a right

4.     You will wonder why you ever had children – and also wonder how you could ever live without them.

5.      It is okay not to have all the answers.

6.     You will hear your own mother’s voice come out of your mouth.

7.     Time goes by much faster when you are a parent

8.      Having children – gives you permission to let lose, have fun, be silly and embrace life through new eyes.

9.      At times you will feel very alone – and yet you will never have enough alone time.

10.  Patience and humour will get you through many difficult situations.

11.  You will worry…you will worry a lot.

12.  Be creative – children get bored easily. Try new things and explore every possibility.

13.  Having children will dig up all kinds of doubts and insecurities that you never knew you had.

14. Perfection and parenting do not mix.

15.  Your children do not belong to you. You are there to love and guide them as best you can - the rest is up to them.

16. The stakes will seem very high and you will wonder if your choices will somehow damage your children. If you give your them love, respect, empathy, freedom and consistency…they will be just fine.

17. Parenting is not something that you can just try out. It is a life-long commitment – there is no return policy.

18.  Having children will shine a light on your own mortality.

19.  You will need help raising your children – there is a reason why they say “it takes a village”.

20.  Be gentle with yourself. You will be a great mom and your children will be lucky to have you. After all the sleepless nights, diaper changes and personal struggles – you will know that you are doing something amazing.

©Professor Mom (M. Wright), 2013.