Children should be seen and heard.

 Most of us are familiar with the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard”.  What does that actually mean? It means that children should behave the way society wants them to. It means that their voice, opinion, ideas, etc…are not as valued as adults.

Some of you may think this is totally outdated and people don’t think that way anymore – but the reality is that children are still expected to “behave”.

I find the word "behave" so loaded. Children are expected to "behave" in a way that is basically not disruptive to others (and by others... I mean adults). And, parents are expected to make their children "behave" so that others don't think that they are terrible parents! The problem is that society’s expectations of children are based on how adults behave (and let’s face it - not all adults). We want children to be polite, calm, reasonable, logical, patient, kind, quiet etc... Children are just not built that way. Children do not possess logical, rational thought. They start to develop some reasoning skills after the age of 3 years old, but until then, expecting them to have the ability to “behave” on command is just not developmentally possible.

Being a child should really be the most carefree time in their lives, but they are bombarded with rules and expectations from the time they are born.

How many times do we ask new parents, “Is your child sleeping through the night?” As if somehow this is the mark of a good baby, or at least a good parent. Children are not built to sleep through the night, they have needs for food, attachment and survival that adults no longer have (or have been taught to ignore). Yet - we put that expectation on them from the time they enter the world, because we forget what it means to be a child.  We expect them to sleep for 8 hours a night, because that’s what adults do. Children don’t sleep like adults, because they have different sleep needs. And when they don’t sleep like us our response is to sleep train them – because being heard is not always on our priority lists when it comes to children’s needs, especially when we are tired.

And that’s just the beginning.

Children need to sleep like an adult, eat like an adult, work like an adult, play like an adult, sing like an adult, draw like an adult …I could go on for pages.

It is not ok to eat with your hands, wake up several times in the night, have limited concentration, play without rules, sing out of tune, and colour out of the lines (and if they do, they are often labelled with some kind of “disorder”).

No wonder children are having tantrums by the time they are 2 years old! They have had two full years of rules, expectations and reminders.

You will often see young children “behaving badly” or as I like to call it, “behaving like children” in places like the grocery store, the mall, school, daycare, visiting grandparents etc…because the expectations on them are so high. These places have so many rules and children are not “rule based”.  As parents, we want so desperately for our children to “behave” and not cause problems, because we will be judged if they are disruptive. We are so desperate that we look for any kind of "strategy" that will keep our children quiet and obedient. Perhaps the only strategy we really need is to allow our children to be heard? Give them a voice and show them that what they say, feel and think really matters. Instead of teaching them to silence themselves in order to meet society's unrealistic expectations.

Ironically, children are actually built to be heard! That’s why they cry. It is built right into them as a means for survival. Babies would cry if they sensed danger and someone would pick them up and protect them – so they wouldn’t get eaten (http://www.todaysparent.com/baby/baby-development/understand-your-babys-cries). There doesn’t seem to be too many animals around these days trying to eat our children, but that survival instinct is still quite strong. Babies cry for all kinds of reasons, but most of them involve getting our attention for a need that they have. And, as they grow, they only seem to get louder.

So, here is a very important point that I would like to make…ready? Children are disruptive! They are loud, demanding, rambunctious, hyper, fun, silly, playful, inventive, curious, energetic, talkative, imaginative, intelligent, and wonderful.

No, not all children are all of these things. But as a society, if we fully understood the nature of a child – perhaps we would become a more “child friendly” place.

Sometimes I resent the fact that I have to find “child friendly” places to bring my daughter. Shouldn’t the world be “child friendly”? We discriminate against children and parents all the time.

If we want to eat out at a restaurant with our child, we are very limited. We are mostly limited to places that are very unhealthy – because apparently that’s what it means to be “child friendly”. I can see why everyone ends up at MacDonald’s with their children! No one stares at you with that “children should be seen and not heard” look. Your children can run around and play in the indoor playground, while you watch them and attempt to enjoy your meal.

Wouldn’t it be nice if fancier restaurants had indoor play areas for children? I can just see myself ordering my salmon on a cedar plant with mixed vegetables while peering through the glass to make sure our daughter is still having fun. Not just an indoor play area, but a whole different mentality toward children and families.  That would be nice.

Because we want children to “behave”, we are constantly pushing them toward maturity and adulthood. For a child, it seems like their ultimate goal is to become an adult. What’s the hurry?

Unfortunately, we are in a hurry, because it is easier to manage children when they meet society’s expectations. And, as I stated earlier – those expectations are to be calm, polite and reasonable (among others).

I recently looked up the origin of the phrase “children need to be seen and not heard” and it actually dates back to the 15^th century (and was about both women and children being silent and submissive – but don’t get me started on that! ask.com). We have progressed in so many ways since then, but we have so much further to go when it comes to respecting children for who they are.

So, in the meantime – parents are stuck eating in unhealthy restaurants (or not going out at all), and dealing with the disapproving stares of those with limited perceptions of children whenever their child “acts like a child” (loud, rambunctious, demanding etc…).

I am not saying that children should not have any rules or expectations – that would be unrealistic and wouldn’t help them become strong members of society. But, the very society that we want them to be a part of doesn’t seem to honour them and their differences.

So, the next time you see a child running around the grocery store not listening to their parent,  or a child screaming in a restaurant – don’t give a disapproving stare. Just look the other way and pretend you don’t notice – give that parent as much privacy as you can manage. Because raising humans is hard enough without trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Help parents honour their children by giving them room to sort out life’s challenges - remember that it is a process. Children will grow and develop into healthy, strong, compassionate, productive members of society if we give them the chance to be seen and heard.

Dealing with tantrums in public

As parents, most of us have experienced those moments. You are shopping at a store with your children and something upsets them to the point of tantrum. They scream, throw their arms around – they may even throw themselves on the floor. You try and reason with them, but now you are embarrassed and wish you could just get out of there unnoticed.  These situations can be quite challenging to navigate, but here are some tips to get you through these tough times.

Plan Ahead:

Before you leave the house, talk to your children about what your expectations are while you are shopping. Use positive wording when describing how you would like them to behave.  For example: Instead of saying, “Don’t scream”, say, “We use our quiet voices”.  When planning to take your child shopping, keep in mind that most children can handle shopping for no more than 1 hour at a time. Think about your child’s best time of day. Most children are at their best in the morning. This is a good time to take them shopping. If that isn’t an option, make your shopping trip shorter. At the end of the day your children may only be able to handle a 30 minute trip to the store. Make sure you bring plenty of snacks, water, diapers, whatever it is you need to ensure that you child will be comfortable. Often times children get upset because they feel like their basic needs are not met (e.g., food, water or rest). Planning ahead will give you the best chances at a successful shopping trip.

Make it Fun:

Shopping has the potential to be a lot of fun for both you and your children. Involve your child in the process. Let them help you make a list of the things that you need before you leave the house. When at the store, remind them of the list and have them help you pick out some of those items. For younger children, you can draw a picture of the item that you need (apples) and the amount (6). This is a fun way to keep them involved and a wonderful learning opportunity. Children love to help. Giving them a job to do and making it fun will keep your children engaged in the process and therefore less likely to become distracted. Children are much more likely to become impatient and frustrated when they are bored.

Bring Back Up:

You have packed your snacks and have plenty of water so your child’s basic needs are met. That’s great! Now, there are a few other items that could be good to have as back up. If your child is restless and doesn’t feel like helping you with the shopping you can bring out the “grab bag”.  I call it the “grab bag” because it is good to have things in there that your children can play with and manipulate. Getting your children involved with their hands will take their minds off of the fact that they don’t really feel like shopping.   A “grab bag” is best to be used while your child is sitting in your shopping cart.  In your bag you could include: books, toys that have buttons to push (ones that aren’t too loud), squishy toys, photo album of family and friends, dolls and toy cars.  Each child’s interests are different, so you should have a separate bag for each of your children.  This will also help to reduce fighting over the items in the bags.

Remain Calm:

You have done everything you can to ensure that your little one stays busy and content, but something still triggers them to get upset. They start to scream and cry (perhaps because they want something that they aren’t allowed to have) and now you find yourself in the middle of a full out tantrum. You look around and it feels like everyone in the store is staring at you, you start to get embarrassed and feel like people are judging you (Most people are not judging you. Many of them are parents and know what it is like to be in your position).  Just take a deep breath and stay calm.  If you remain calm, it is less likely that you child will escalate even further. It is also important to stay calm because children can sense when you are uncomfortable and therefore more likely to give in to something you normally wouldn’t. The rules should be the same in public as they are at home or children will know that they can get away with more when you go out shopping.

 Allow them their moment:

When children start to scream our natural instinct is to try and be louder than they are in order to get their attention.  You will have much more luck getting their attention if you are quiet and calm.  Keep in mind that your child is still learning about what is an appropriate way to express their feelings.  All they know is that they are upset and feel unheard.  We all know what that’s like to feel like no one is listening to what we want (regardless of whether our demands make sense).  Give your child their moment to be upset.  Don’t try and make it better by giving in to your child’s demands, just listen to why they are upset and validate their feelings.  If they continue to scream and cry that’s ok.  Yes, it might be embarrassing – but it is an important part of learning that they won’t always be able to get what they want.  Give them a few minutes to be upset (you can take them out of the store if they continue to escalate or you don’t feel comfortable dealing with the situation where you are), then get down at eye level, encourage them to take some deep breaths and work on a solution together, and then return to the store (if you left).

Teach your child:

After you have taken some deep breaths and are able to get your child to focus. Use this opportunity as a teaching moment. Easier said than done, I know, especially when you are tired and frustrated. But, it will help your child understand what your expectations are and make other outings in the future easier.  Avoid giving your child a time out in public spaces.  Your child is already upset and feeling unheard.  Fighting with them over sitting in a time out will only cause them and you to become more frustrated.   After you have listened to why your child is upset, work on a solution that will work for both of you.  This also encourages problem solving skills.  Once you have figured out something that will work for both of you, go over the expectations you have while you are shopping (same ones you went over before leaving the house).  Remind them that how they feel is important to you, but that they also need to communicate their feelings without screaming or hitting.

Move on:

Give your child some affection, a hug or a silly handshake.  This will affirm for your child that you still love them regardless of how they behave and help you move on and start again.  Once you have moved on, don’t bring up what happened in the store. Focus on what your child is doing well and what they are doing that is helpful.  If your child continues to escalate or have several tantrums and there is no way to get them to calm down (after 5-10 minutes), be prepared to abort your shopping mission.  Your child may be too tired or uncomfortable to continue shopping.  Sometimes you will need to leave the store, go home and regroup.  This can be very frustrating and inconvenient, but may be necessary in order to properly deal with the situation.

Remember that shopping can be fun, and try not to dread taking your toddler to the grocery store. As children get older and understand how to express themselves in appropriate ways, tantrums in public will be a thing of the past.

 Happy Shopping!

 

 

 

Time Out on Time Outs: Part Two – Positive Discipline

When I first heard the words “Positive Discipline” put together - I thought it was an oxymoron.  Either that or a catch phrase that parents with no backbone came up with so they wouldn’t feel bad about having absolutely no control over their child’s behaviour.

Here is a helpful list of criteria for Positive Discipline – from www.positivediscipline.com

FIVE CRITERIA FOR POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

1.     Helps children feel a sense of connection. (Belonging and significance)

2.     Is mutually respectful and encouraging. (Kind and firm at the same time.)

3.     Is effective long - term. (Considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world – and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive.)

4.     Teaches important social and life skills . (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community.)

5.     Invites children to discover how capable they are. (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy.)

Jane Nelsen

 The words that stand out most for me in this list are : Connection, Respect (ful) and Capable.

For those of you that read my last blog entry on “Time Outs” – you already know how I feel about them.   My intention was not to make parents feel bad about using time outs – my hope was just to get people thinking about them differently.

If we use the list of criteria given for positive discipline – Do time outs fit? When you are giving a time out…Are you being respectful? Are you helping your child feel a sense of connection? Are you encouraging them to feel capable? I am almost certain that it is impossible to do all of these things while placing a reluctant (often emotionally distraught) child on a chair and making them stay there for a few minutes until they say they are sorry.

We are human beings. We are going to get angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, upset and disengaged with our children.  There are going to be times that we are going to lose our patience and want nothing more than to put our child(ren) somewhere else for a few minutes. The reality is that any relationship is like that. I am sure there are times that we would love to put our spouses, friends, bosses, or family members on a chair in another room for a few minutes and then force them to apologize (wouldn’t that be nice.)

The only reason we do it to children, is because we can. Because they are smaller than us and we can physically over-power them means that we have the control.  Time outs can be disrespectful to a child (depending on how you do them and why). Does that mean that I will always be respectful to my child? Probably not. In fact, I am often tempted to give my child a time out.  It would be nice if I could say that I will always be respectful– but I am sure there have been times when I was disrespectful to my spouse, friends, boss, and family members. Chances are I will be with my child as well. Because…as mentioned above, I am human and will unintentionally hurt people.

However, by being aware of how my actions impact my child (and others for that matter) I can hopefully build connection and be respectful with Finley most of the time.

Looking for an alternative to time outs? Try time ins! Check out this link from the Positive Parenting Connection:

http://positiveparentingconnection.net/time-out-vs-time-in-whats-the-difference/

As I mention above, in any number of difficult situations with your children it can be so tempting to take physical control, e.g., grabbing things out of their hands (I often find myself doing this), picking them up and moving them, or placing them on a chair or somewhere else for a time out.  I am not saying that you will never physically intervene with your children, but it is something to think about. If your child was the same size as you, how would you deal with the situation? Sometimes the easier thing to do is over-power them, but what if you couldn’t?

Taking the time to really think about respectful ways of dealing with your children will result in a longer lasting solution to most difficult problems. It also takes a heck of a lot of time and energy – which you might not always have.  So, don’t put pressure on yourself to get it “right” all of the time.

For example, we were having such a hard time getting our daughter Finley to brush her teeth. She is only 2 years old, so we are brushing them for her – which she really doesn’t enjoy. Partly because she wants to do everything herself and partly because she really doesn’t enjoy having her teeth brushed. She will scream and cry and try and throw herself to the ground – not so easy to brush her teeth this way. We use to sing to her, but it wasn’t working anymore. A few times we just held her in a way that she couldn’t escape and brushed her teeth while she cried. That felt pretty horrible. Again, the only reason that we were able to do that is because she is smaller than us and easy to over-power. We didn’t want her to grow up thinking that it is ok to over-power someone OR that it is ok not to brush your teeth. So we put our thinking caps on. What would be a calm, friendly and respectful way of encouraging Finley to brush her teeth? So, we decided to buy her a sticker book and let her choose a few stickers every time we brush her teeth.  Now, she is usually pretty happy to have her teeth brushed and looks forward to choosing her stickers.

So, we could have continued to force Finley into brushing her teeth, but that is neither positive nor helpful in teaching life skills. Until children learn the value of intrinsic rewards (Ex. feeling good about having clean teeth), parents often need to rely on external rewards (Ex. stickers).

To me, positive discipline is about being creative.  It can be exhausting coming up with creative ways to deal with difficult situations – and you won’t always be able to. The point is to stop and think…how can I build connection, be respectful and encourage capability in this moment and still have my child follow through with what I need them to do.

While writing this blog entry, I have realized how difficult it is to fully describe what positive discipline is – or even what it looks like to me. Each situation (and child) has its (their) own challenges and will require different strategies to deal with them. I feel like I could write an entire book on this subject – but getting people to read my blog is hard enough!

If you have any specific situations you want to share or questions to ask – please feel free to post them below.  It is always great to have discussions and see how other parents/educators use positive discipline with their children.

 

 

Time Out on "Time Outs"

Time Out on “Time Outs”

I have been thinking about "Time Outs" lately, and wondering whether or not they are an effective way to discipline a child. First of all, I don`t like the word `discipline` and I definitely don`t enjoy the word `punishment` – As parents our role is not to `discipline` our children, it is our job to teach them appropriate boundaries, empathy, pro-social behaviour and many other important life skills.

I am not really sure how long parents (and teachers for that matter) have been using `time outs`, but they certainly became very popular with the help of Super Nanny.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Super Nanny, or just need a refresher – here is a clip:

After watching that clip – I am sure that anyone would be on board with giving those children time outs.

I used to get right into watching Super Nanny – I would get excited to see how `bad` the children were and how Super Nanny was going to deal with them. It always seemed to take a while, but eventually she would break them down and they would become much more manageable and obedient.

As an Early Childhood Educator, I never worked at a Childcare Centre that allowed Time Outs so I didn`t really have much experience with implementing them. I assumed that they were a good way of dealing with problematic behaviours – and that someday I would use them as a parent or teacher.

Then I became a mom…and have since read many different viewpoints when it comes to using time outs –when to use them, how to use them…are they harmful? Do they even work?
As some of you may know from reading my other blog entries, I have one child – a daughter named Finley. She is now 22 months old and technically getting to the age where time outs start to be given ( Around 2 years old – although I read that you can give them to children as young as 1 year old. )

For those of you that don`t know , time outs are given to children when they are behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you as a parent. They are placed somewhere on their own (usually on a chair or a mat) and told that they need to stay there. A time out lasts for 1 minute for every year that your child is old (2 years old = 2 minutes etc…). Once your child is done their time out – they are usually asked to apologize for what they have done and can then go back to playing.

It sounds relatively harmless…doesn’t it?

Then I thought about it - often children are placed on time outs because they are having a difficult time dealing with their emotions…usually anger, frustration, disappointment or sadness. Then, while they are at their most vulnerable – we stick them on a chair and force them to deal with that very difficult emotion on their own. What are we really teaching them in that moment? That they are alone in dealing with hard feelings – that “bad” behaviour will find you isolated and removed from everyone else.

Some parents out there might be thinking, yes – when a child is behaving “badly” they should be isolated or “punished”. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that it is okay for children to behave in ways that are unacceptable – what I am saying is that they shouldn’t be left alone to figure out why they feel what they feel.

Here is an interesting article about why time outs could be harmful to your child:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts

There were a few things that stood out for me about this article:

1)      “The child loses face and has plenty of time to sit around fantasizing revenge.  (Did you really think she was resolving to be a better person?)” (#4 on the list)

·         This made me laugh…the idea of my sweet little daughter plotting her revenge. I could actually see her doing that.

2)      “It weakens our bond with our child. Unfortunately, that bond is the only reason children behave to begin with.” (#5 on the list)

·         The bond that you have with your child is so important – from the time they are born you are teaching them whether they can trust that you will guide and protect them or not. (Attachment Parenting)

 
3)      “Timeouts are a terrific management technique for keeping your own emotions regulated.  When you find yourself losing it, take five.”

·         I am sure that all parents at some point will need their own time out – time to regroup and think about what the best course of action is.

 After reading the article – watch this clip from Super Nanny where she teaches a mom how to implement a time out. Do you think this time out is harmful or necessary?

 

Personally, I had a hard time watching that clip – I even had tears in my eyes. Perhaps I am a big sap, or I am just aware that the child in that clip was in distress and was having a very difficult time communicating what she actually needed. Instead of communicating with this little girl – that poor mother was guided to have a 1.5 hour power struggle just to have her child sit and apologize. Did that child actually learn anything? What does “sorry” really mean? Is it a “get out of time out free card”…or is it genuine remorse?

I can't imagine trying to put Finley in a time out when she is that upset. I believe that the mom in that clip was crying because there was something inside of her that told her that her child needed her - regardless of dinner needing to be made." Giving in" and  picking up her child is not the answer either - but there are other ways to work with your children instead of against them.

 Why not involve your child in what you are doing? Get them to help you make dinner - give them a list of the ingredients that you will need and see if they can find them in the fridge. Usually children just want to be doing what you are doing - which I realize is not always possible, but when it is - give them the chance to feel a part of what is going on. Instead of isolating them on a chair because they are not listening to you. If you get them involved from the beginning, it is less likely that a situation like this would require a time out (at the end of this clip you can even hear the child asking to "help" her mom - perhaps that is all she really wanted).

As it states in the above article, time outs are definitely better than using corporal punishment on your children – but is it the best, most effective tool in teaching your child appropriate behaviour and boundaries?

I think we can agree that time outs have the potential to harm developing self-esteem in your young children. So, what is the alternative? The alternative is Positive Discipline (although I prefer not to use the word Discipline). It is really about coaching and teaching your child how to regulate their own emotions and communicate their feelings before they become overwhelming. And if they do express difficult emotions in ways that are hurtful to others, that we teach them the importance of empathy – and truly being sorry for their behaviour (not using their “get out of time out free card”).

Positive Communication is key to any healthy relationship – including the relationship you have with your child.

I am not saying that you should never use a time out with your child, but I am hoping that after reading this blog entry you will think a bit differently about time outs and ask yourself whether they are necessary or harmful in the moment that you want to give one to your child (or student for that matter).

By being proactive, using positive discipline and getting your children involved when possible - you will find the "need" for time outs will be significantly reduced.

What is positive discipline? Stay Tuned for Part Two: Time out on “Time Outs” – Positive Discipline.

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