Children should be seen and heard.

 Most of us are familiar with the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard”.  What does that actually mean? It means that children should behave the way society wants them to. It means that their voice, opinion, ideas, etc…are not as valued as adults.

Some of you may think this is totally outdated and people don’t think that way anymore – but the reality is that children are still expected to “behave”.

I find the word "behave" so loaded. Children are expected to "behave" in a way that is basically not disruptive to others (and by others... I mean adults). And, parents are expected to make their children "behave" so that others don't think that they are terrible parents! The problem is that society’s expectations of children are based on how adults behave (and let’s face it - not all adults). We want children to be polite, calm, reasonable, logical, patient, kind, quiet etc... Children are just not built that way. Children do not possess logical, rational thought. They start to develop some reasoning skills after the age of 3 years old, but until then, expecting them to have the ability to “behave” on command is just not developmentally possible.

Being a child should really be the most carefree time in their lives, but they are bombarded with rules and expectations from the time they are born.

How many times do we ask new parents, “Is your child sleeping through the night?” As if somehow this is the mark of a good baby, or at least a good parent. Children are not built to sleep through the night, they have needs for food, attachment and survival that adults no longer have (or have been taught to ignore). Yet - we put that expectation on them from the time they enter the world, because we forget what it means to be a child.  We expect them to sleep for 8 hours a night, because that’s what adults do. Children don’t sleep like adults, because they have different sleep needs. And when they don’t sleep like us our response is to sleep train them – because being heard is not always on our priority lists when it comes to children’s needs, especially when we are tired.

And that’s just the beginning.

Children need to sleep like an adult, eat like an adult, work like an adult, play like an adult, sing like an adult, draw like an adult …I could go on for pages.

It is not ok to eat with your hands, wake up several times in the night, have limited concentration, play without rules, sing out of tune, and colour out of the lines (and if they do, they are often labelled with some kind of “disorder”).

No wonder children are having tantrums by the time they are 2 years old! They have had two full years of rules, expectations and reminders.

You will often see young children “behaving badly” or as I like to call it, “behaving like children” in places like the grocery store, the mall, school, daycare, visiting grandparents etc…because the expectations on them are so high. These places have so many rules and children are not “rule based”.  As parents, we want so desperately for our children to “behave” and not cause problems, because we will be judged if they are disruptive. We are so desperate that we look for any kind of "strategy" that will keep our children quiet and obedient. Perhaps the only strategy we really need is to allow our children to be heard? Give them a voice and show them that what they say, feel and think really matters. Instead of teaching them to silence themselves in order to meet society's unrealistic expectations.

Ironically, children are actually built to be heard! That’s why they cry. It is built right into them as a means for survival. Babies would cry if they sensed danger and someone would pick them up and protect them – so they wouldn’t get eaten (http://www.todaysparent.com/baby/baby-development/understand-your-babys-cries). There doesn’t seem to be too many animals around these days trying to eat our children, but that survival instinct is still quite strong. Babies cry for all kinds of reasons, but most of them involve getting our attention for a need that they have. And, as they grow, they only seem to get louder.

So, here is a very important point that I would like to make…ready? Children are disruptive! They are loud, demanding, rambunctious, hyper, fun, silly, playful, inventive, curious, energetic, talkative, imaginative, intelligent, and wonderful.

No, not all children are all of these things. But as a society, if we fully understood the nature of a child – perhaps we would become a more “child friendly” place.

Sometimes I resent the fact that I have to find “child friendly” places to bring my daughter. Shouldn’t the world be “child friendly”? We discriminate against children and parents all the time.

If we want to eat out at a restaurant with our child, we are very limited. We are mostly limited to places that are very unhealthy – because apparently that’s what it means to be “child friendly”. I can see why everyone ends up at MacDonald’s with their children! No one stares at you with that “children should be seen and not heard” look. Your children can run around and play in the indoor playground, while you watch them and attempt to enjoy your meal.

Wouldn’t it be nice if fancier restaurants had indoor play areas for children? I can just see myself ordering my salmon on a cedar plant with mixed vegetables while peering through the glass to make sure our daughter is still having fun. Not just an indoor play area, but a whole different mentality toward children and families.  That would be nice.

Because we want children to “behave”, we are constantly pushing them toward maturity and adulthood. For a child, it seems like their ultimate goal is to become an adult. What’s the hurry?

Unfortunately, we are in a hurry, because it is easier to manage children when they meet society’s expectations. And, as I stated earlier – those expectations are to be calm, polite and reasonable (among others).

I recently looked up the origin of the phrase “children need to be seen and not heard” and it actually dates back to the 15^th century (and was about both women and children being silent and submissive – but don’t get me started on that! ask.com). We have progressed in so many ways since then, but we have so much further to go when it comes to respecting children for who they are.

So, in the meantime – parents are stuck eating in unhealthy restaurants (or not going out at all), and dealing with the disapproving stares of those with limited perceptions of children whenever their child “acts like a child” (loud, rambunctious, demanding etc…).

I am not saying that children should not have any rules or expectations – that would be unrealistic and wouldn’t help them become strong members of society. But, the very society that we want them to be a part of doesn’t seem to honour them and their differences.

So, the next time you see a child running around the grocery store not listening to their parent,  or a child screaming in a restaurant – don’t give a disapproving stare. Just look the other way and pretend you don’t notice – give that parent as much privacy as you can manage. Because raising humans is hard enough without trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Help parents honour their children by giving them room to sort out life’s challenges - remember that it is a process. Children will grow and develop into healthy, strong, compassionate, productive members of society if we give them the chance to be seen and heard.

Great Tips on Travelling with Children

Travelling with Children

These tips will be most helpful to those travelling by car, but can also be used when travelling by plane, train, bus etc...

Travelling with our children is inevitable. Instead of dreading that trip to Grandma’s house, try these tips for a smoother ride.

If you are travelling with a young child, who still has naps – try and plan your trip around their nap time. If it can be avoided, try not to plan your trip so that your child will be over-tired and therefore harder to reason with. It is best to travel just before their nap time, so that 30 minutes into the trip they drift off into a nice sleep, and you get 1-2 hours of quiet time. Remember to bring everything that your child will need to feel comfortable having a nap – blanket, stuffed animal, soother (if you use one), milk, story books etc. You want to create the same feeling of comfort and safety for your child that they would get at home. (Some infants will get quite upset when they can’t see you, so travelling in a car can be tricky. If you are travelling with another adult, sit in the back with your baby and play with them, read to them or sooth them to sleep. You can also give them a bottle, soother and/or sing them some songs).  

Ok, so all has gone according to plan (it might not) and now your child is awake, but there is still time left in your travels. Bring a goody bag – this is a bag of toys, books, activities that your child has never seen before. You can either tell your child beforehand that they will be getting a “Goody Bag” or surprise them with it. Each child should have their own goody bag, expecting them to share will only cause conflicts. Make sure that each bag is based on each child’s individual interests. I like to go to the Dollar store and load up on colouring books and other great activities (last time I was there they even had travel sized Mr. Potatoes Heads).

When in doubt, bring a video for them to watch. Some of the mini-vans now have DVD players in them which I am sure that many parents find quite handy. Try to make watching videos in the car a special thing that you only do on trips, so that your children have something to look forward to (of course this is only for children 2 years old and up). If you are not travelling by mini-van, with built in DVD player – as many of us aren’t – bring a laptop or portable DVD player with you. This may save you…especially if your children don’t nap.

Remember to bring snacks. We can all become quite cranky if we don’t get enough to eat in a day and children need to eat even more regularly than we do. So…make sure that you bring enough to eat and drink, so that you won’t have to make too many stops and hear too many complaints about being hungry. When you are packing snacks, keep them healthy and sugar-free as much as possible. There is nothing quite like having all your children jacked up on sugar and then trying to confine them to a car, train or plane. That is not going to be much fun for anyone.

Know your limits and your children’s. If your child hates to travel, no matter what you do…then limit the time that you travel. I realize this may be easier said than done, but do what you can to limit the amount of hours that you need to travel in a day. If you are travelling by car, plan to stop along the way and let everyone stretch their legs and use the washroom. And, if you need to – plan some overnights along the way. Travelling with your children doesn’t have to be about just getting from point A to point B…maybe there is something interesting in between.

Give yourself plenty of time. Now, when I say “plenty of time” – I don’t just mean give yourself enough time on the clock…I mean, give yourself and your children enough time to get to your destination in one piece. That will look different for every family. Some parents might have a child who needs to use the washroom frequently, or a child who gets car/plane sick or even a child who needs time to stop and run around every hour. Know the needs of your family and then plan accordingly. If you are travelling by car, do not give yourself a time that you need to be at your final destination. Example – If you are visiting family or friends…don’t tell them that you will be there by a certain time. This only puts pressure on you and causes you to feel rushed…which of course makes us rush our children. Children hate to be rushed. So, just tell people that you are hoping to be there by a certain time and that you will call them if plans change.

Have fun. To quote Hemingway (which I don’t often do): “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway. What does that mean? Well…it means that you want to have fun and enjoy the travelling part of your journey as much as you can. Play games, talk about things that interest your children and enjoy each other’s company. There are several website that give great ideas on travelling games – see what you can find!

Treat yourself and your children. Our child never gets chocolate…ok, she gets chocolate cookies from time to time…but never pure chocolate. So, her treat for doing a really good job when we travel is a Kinder Egg. If you restrict the candy that your children get in general, they will be much more excited about getting some at the end of a trip. You should also treat yourself!

You made it…you are all in one piece and actually had fun along the way – it is now time for your treat.  Although, getting through a travelling day with your children without any huge hiccups is a treat in itself! If you often travel to the same place, ex. Grandparents – find a place near their house that you can all get out and celebrate with a little treat. Maybe there is an ice cream place nearby? A nice little bakery? Make it part of the journey…

After all, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway

Safe Travels Everyone!

 

Pretty Princesses and Barbie Dolls -

 

 Top 5 ways to avoid gender stereotyping young girls.



When I was young, I can remember going to the playground to play basketball with my brother. I loved playing basketball, in fact, I enjoyed most sports. One day when my brother and I were playing basketball, two boys approached my brother to ask if we wanted to play against them. One of them said (to my brother), “Do you and your little brother want to play against us?” My brother and I looked at each other and then back at the boys and said, “Sure”.  I don’t think we ever corrected them – never said, actually I am his sister…that’s right, a girl who happens to play basketball! It just seemed easier in that moment to be a boy. That way I didn’t have to explain myself or listen to boys joke about how they “lost to a girl”. I could just be one of the guys.

Looking back, it was not that I identified more with boys than girls. I loved being a girl…still do. It was just that I didn’t like the things that girls were “suppose to” like.  I remember getting Barbie dolls and then pretending to blow them up with my brother’s G.I. Joe figurines.  I didn’t like to wear dresses or have my hair done. At recess all the boys would be playing “wall ball” (a game where you hit a tennis ball against the wall with your hand) and the girls would usually just watch them play – or jump with skipping ropes. I wanted to play wall ball – that seemed like a lot more fun than just sitting on the side lines.

Boys always seemed to be having more fun. It was more acceptable for boys to get dirty and play rough with each other. They played cops and robbers and capture the flag, while girls just seemed to sit and talk (usually about boys). Of course not all girls just sat around chatting – this just happened to be the group of girls that I was friends with.

Now that I have my own child, I worry about her feeling limited by her gender. I worry that she won’t feel comfortable doing what she wants – because it is something that “boys” do.

The world has changed a lot since I was young and gender roles have changed along with it – but those messages are still out there - the messages that tell children that if you are a girl you should like pink dresses and princesses…and if you are a boy you should like trucks and superheroes.

About a month ago I went to a department store looking to buy Finley (my daughter) her first bike. Going into the bicycle section I was a little overwhelmed by how many bikes there were to choose from.

I noticed a sign that was meant to help you choose the “right” bike for your child. The sign read, “How to choose a bike for a girl – girls want a bike that is pretty and fun.” Further down on the sign it read, “How to choose a bike for a boy – boys want a bike that is tough and can handle all their adventures.” That sign was sending a pretty clear message about what is expected of girls and of boys. (If you follow me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ProfessorMom – you may have already heard that story).

I was so upset by the sign that I immediately left the store. How is it that in 2013 we still have messages like these? Girls are pretty and boys are tough. Girls sit on the sidelines and boys are in the game – it reminded me of school days watching “wall ball” and wishing that I could play.

So, as a parent – how do I teach Finley that there is no expectation on her to be pretty and sweet? It is not that I want her to reject all things feminine…I simply want her to know that it is her choice.  It is not her parent’s choice or her friend’s choice – and not society’s choice either. It is her choice. She gets to choose how she wants to be in this world. If she wants to wear dresses and paint her nails, fine by me. If she wants to wear a blue polo shirt and play with trucks, fine by me.  This can be difficult when society still thinks they have the right to define who you are by your gender.

I saw this very helpful guide recently on how to choose the proper toys for girls and boys.

Hopefully you find it useful:

 

 

 

 

Image by Kristen Myers Design/Paranoid Shiksa Feminista.

Ok…seriously though. What can we do to support the uniqueness in each of our children and stop defining them by their gender? I have come up with a Top 5 list.

Top 5 ways to avoid gender stereotyping young girls.

1)      Choose toys based on your child’s interests, age and developmental level – not their gender.

As the guide above so conveniently pointed out – toys are toys. They are meant for all genders. Do not limit your child to toys that are advertised for boys or girls.  Let your children be involved in the process, you might be surprised at what they would choose to play with if they are not limited to “girls” toys or “boys” toys.

*When you are shopping for things for your children to play with, avoid going to toy stores that have their stores divided by girls and boys toys (ex. Toys R Us). This just causes confusion and reinforces gender-stereotyping.

2)      Avoid complementing your children on how they look, based on their gender.  How many times have you heard someone say,“You are such a pretty princess!” to a young girl. Children love to have our attention and will soak up all the compliments they can.  It is wonderful to compliment your children, but focus more on what they do as a posed to how they look. If we compliment them on how they look with phrases like the one mentioned above, this sends subtle messages to them that a girl’s role is to be pretty and sweet. If we compliment them on what they do, "Look at how high you built that tower" - it sends messages that they are capable and smart.

3)      Read books and watch videos that show men and women in “non-traditional” roles. It is important that we as parents don’t reinforce gender-stereotypes by reading books and watching television shows that always show men and women in specific roles. If we read books where boys are the ones playing with cars and girls are the ones playing with Barbie dolls – we are reaffirming those messages that this is the expectation…really what we are doing is subtly programming them to act and behave a certain way based on their gender.  A good book to read, if you haven't already is “The Paper Bag Princess” by Robert Munsch.

4)      Choose clothes based on practicality and durability, rather than how “pretty” or “handsome” your child will look in them. This is a hard one, because society puts so much pressure on parents to dress their children a certain way. We want our children to look nice and of course we want them to “fit in” – but sometimes “fitting in” is more about “blending in” instead of standing out. We want our children to stand out – but not so far that they are teased or bullied. This can be a fine line.  My advice…let your children wear what they want to wear. We always give our daughter a choice between many different outfits – some are more “boyish” and others are more “girly”. We don’t buy anything that is pink and frilly – nothing too over the top. Then we just let it be up to her.

5)      Be aware of your own views on what roles men and women should have. This is a big one! I remember working at a childcare centre many years ago and there was a little boy there that loved dressing up. He would carry around purses and wear jewelry, and would often put on dresses and princess costumes. One of the days when he was dressed particularly fancy (dress, purse, necklace, long gloves and a crown) his father arrived to pick him up. Well, he got so upset that his son was wearing “girls” clothes that he started an argument with the teacher and said that his son was not allowed to dress like that. Seems a bit extreme…but we all have our own views about what roles men and women should have. Think about where those views come from and try not to impose those views on your children – unless your views allow your children to express themselves in whatever way they want…regardless of gender.

I personally don’t believe that we need to try and raise all of our children “genderless” – like some people have tried to do…

http://www.ctvnews.ca/baby-raised-without-gender-sets-off-debate-1.649286

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/01/24/parents-who-hid-childs-gender-for-five-years-now-face-backlash/

That just puts the pressure on our children to change the views of our society.

It is our job as parents to give our children the freedom to be themselves, dress how they want and play with whatever toys they like.

I want Finley (our daughter) to know that she can be whatever she wants to be – and that she is in no way limited by her gender...she could even change the world!

 

Welcome to Professor Mom!

Thanks for visiting my new blog!

Here's a little bit about me and why I decided to start blogging......

As a mom, I am a breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping - attachment parent. I am a stay-at-home mom who also works from home part-time.

As an educator, I have 15 years of experience working with children and families. I am a Registered Early Childhood Educator and I am currently a teacher of Early Childhood Education at an Ontario College.

When I first became a mom (19 months ago), I went to many playgroups and spoke to many other new moms. Once they found out that I was an Early Childhood Educator, they asked questions.  Lots of questions. They wanted to know what was normal childhood development, where to find quality childcare, how to manage being a new parent, breastfeeding, attachment parenting and many other topics.

I decided to write this blog in the hopes of sharing some of my experience and education to help parents deal with some of these challenging topics in a straight forward and easy to understand way. I hope that the topics I discuss will generate discussion and I hope you'll post comments and send me your questions and ideas.   

 - PM

On a side note: This blog is an expression of my opinion and should not be taken as medical advice. If you have concerns related to your child’s health or development, please contact your doctor or other health related professional.