Guest Blogger Jenn Neilson talks about Gender Stereotypes.

“I like your hat, that colour looks great on you,” I catch myself saying to my niece when I see her rosy 2-year-old cheeks on the iPad, as she runs in from playing outside to say hello. I could have said “Did you see any interesting bugs out there?”, “What did you plant today?”, or “What’s your favourite book right now?” instead, but I didn’t, and neither will 99% of the people that start a conversation with my niece or my daughter over the next 8 to 10 years. And that’s a problem.

It’s a problem because when the first thing almost every adult says to a little girl is something about her clothes or her hair. Even if it’s a compliment, little girls quickly get the idea that their looks are what matters, and that looking good and dressing well is what they should aspire to. It’s what adults (and society at large) expects them to be interested in, to be good at, and to want to talk about. And that’s bad news for the future of our girls. If we want the next generation to grow up striving to be kind, capable and confident rather than popular and sexy, we need to be mindful of the messages we’re sending to kids.

With kids growing up surrounded by advertising, movies and TV, toys, books, and clothes that tell them that some things are for girls, and others are for boys, we’re already fighting an uphill battle if our goal is to raise girls who know that they can solve tough, real world problems, and boys who are interested in collaboration, not just competition. The only solution is to recognize that gender stereotypes doesn’t reflect the “natural” wants or interests of kids or the adults who shop for them, to acknowledge our part in creating this environment, and to vote against it with our voices, and more importantly, with our wallets.

We are finally starting to see a backlash against labelling toys to do with domestic life as for girls, and science and building toys as for boys. Since it’s clear that stereotypically boy toys like Lego and K’nex help build spatial development skills, skills that help prepare kids for in-demand careers in science, math and engineering, it’s no wonder that parents want to offer their daughters the chance to practice those skills as well.

Of course it’s great that we’re starting to see skill-building toys being marketed to girls, as well as boys (Goldieblox being the prime example). But this is really only a tiny part of the change that we need to make in kids’ environments to stop reinforcing the outdated gender stereotypes that limit their opportunities in life. If we want kids to want to engage in play that develops new skills, they have to see that kind of play as acceptable for kids like them. This will be easier with some kids than others, but how easily it comes depends both on the examples and influences that they see around them, and on their sense of self--their sense of how they’re supposed to behave, what sort of interests are seen as acceptable for them to have, and what options are open to them. A child’s sense of self is shaped by a combination of his or her own personality, along with a wide range of social factors.

To change the environment that kids grow up in enough to stop reinforcing outdated gender stereotypes, we’re going to have to do a lot more than market skill-building toys to kids who are already independent enough, who already have a strong enough sense of self, to be interested in them. If we want to see the level of real, widespread change that stands a chance of eradicating gender inequality as we know it, then we have to start earlier. We have surround kids with influences that will help them to develop a strong and resilient sense of self, so that they will be secure enough to choose toys and clothes and books and movies based on their true interests, instead of choosing according to what society expects of them.

So how do we do that? We start by changing the messages that kids receive from role models in books, on TV, and in movies--ending the era of the traditional Disney princess, where adventure, curiosity and personal strength are reserved for boys. But that’s not enough. If we want to change the messages we’re sending to kids, we need to recognize the communicative power of the things that are closest to them--the very clothes we dress them in. Gender conventions in children’s clothing reinforce the idea that building, discovery and active play are for boys, and that girls should be concerned with home life and aesthetic appeal. Bows and ruffles and hearts and frills teach girls about the importance of looking pretty, and dark colours, and truck and sports motifs show boys that they’re destined for competition and adventure. We should strive to make our children’s worlds reflect our hopes for a future where men and women are treated with equal respect, and have equal access to and responsibility for all aspects of life. Only our own choices as consumers and business-owners can make that change happen.

Jill and Jack Kids is a new kids’ clothing company that’s inspiring the next generation of leaders to think beyond pink and blue. We make playtime-worthy clothes in fun, bright colours that change the messages we’re sending to kids, and we’re launching on Kickstarter right now. If we reach our goal, we will be expanding to offer a complete line of gender neutral kids’ clothing free from outdated gender stereotypes that both boys and girls will love to wear. Please check out the campaign now at http://bit.ly/jillandjackkids, and buy a shirt for a kid in your life who dreams beyond pink and blue.

Jenn Neilson is the founder of Jill and Jack Kids (www.JillandJackKids.com), a new company that makes playtime-worthy clothes that change the messages we're sending to kids. She is a graphic artist with a PhD in philosophy, and a passion for gender equality.

Children should be seen and heard.

 Most of us are familiar with the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard”.  What does that actually mean? It means that children should behave the way society wants them to. It means that their voice, opinion, ideas, etc…are not as valued as adults.

Some of you may think this is totally outdated and people don’t think that way anymore – but the reality is that children are still expected to “behave”.

I find the word "behave" so loaded. Children are expected to "behave" in a way that is basically not disruptive to others (and by others... I mean adults). And, parents are expected to make their children "behave" so that others don't think that they are terrible parents! The problem is that society’s expectations of children are based on how adults behave (and let’s face it - not all adults). We want children to be polite, calm, reasonable, logical, patient, kind, quiet etc... Children are just not built that way. Children do not possess logical, rational thought. They start to develop some reasoning skills after the age of 3 years old, but until then, expecting them to have the ability to “behave” on command is just not developmentally possible.

Being a child should really be the most carefree time in their lives, but they are bombarded with rules and expectations from the time they are born.

How many times do we ask new parents, “Is your child sleeping through the night?” As if somehow this is the mark of a good baby, or at least a good parent. Children are not built to sleep through the night, they have needs for food, attachment and survival that adults no longer have (or have been taught to ignore). Yet - we put that expectation on them from the time they enter the world, because we forget what it means to be a child.  We expect them to sleep for 8 hours a night, because that’s what adults do. Children don’t sleep like adults, because they have different sleep needs. And when they don’t sleep like us our response is to sleep train them – because being heard is not always on our priority lists when it comes to children’s needs, especially when we are tired.

And that’s just the beginning.

Children need to sleep like an adult, eat like an adult, work like an adult, play like an adult, sing like an adult, draw like an adult …I could go on for pages.

It is not ok to eat with your hands, wake up several times in the night, have limited concentration, play without rules, sing out of tune, and colour out of the lines (and if they do, they are often labelled with some kind of “disorder”).

No wonder children are having tantrums by the time they are 2 years old! They have had two full years of rules, expectations and reminders.

You will often see young children “behaving badly” or as I like to call it, “behaving like children” in places like the grocery store, the mall, school, daycare, visiting grandparents etc…because the expectations on them are so high. These places have so many rules and children are not “rule based”.  As parents, we want so desperately for our children to “behave” and not cause problems, because we will be judged if they are disruptive. We are so desperate that we look for any kind of "strategy" that will keep our children quiet and obedient. Perhaps the only strategy we really need is to allow our children to be heard? Give them a voice and show them that what they say, feel and think really matters. Instead of teaching them to silence themselves in order to meet society's unrealistic expectations.

Ironically, children are actually built to be heard! That’s why they cry. It is built right into them as a means for survival. Babies would cry if they sensed danger and someone would pick them up and protect them – so they wouldn’t get eaten (http://www.todaysparent.com/baby/baby-development/understand-your-babys-cries). There doesn’t seem to be too many animals around these days trying to eat our children, but that survival instinct is still quite strong. Babies cry for all kinds of reasons, but most of them involve getting our attention for a need that they have. And, as they grow, they only seem to get louder.

So, here is a very important point that I would like to make…ready? Children are disruptive! They are loud, demanding, rambunctious, hyper, fun, silly, playful, inventive, curious, energetic, talkative, imaginative, intelligent, and wonderful.

No, not all children are all of these things. But as a society, if we fully understood the nature of a child – perhaps we would become a more “child friendly” place.

Sometimes I resent the fact that I have to find “child friendly” places to bring my daughter. Shouldn’t the world be “child friendly”? We discriminate against children and parents all the time.

If we want to eat out at a restaurant with our child, we are very limited. We are mostly limited to places that are very unhealthy – because apparently that’s what it means to be “child friendly”. I can see why everyone ends up at MacDonald’s with their children! No one stares at you with that “children should be seen and not heard” look. Your children can run around and play in the indoor playground, while you watch them and attempt to enjoy your meal.

Wouldn’t it be nice if fancier restaurants had indoor play areas for children? I can just see myself ordering my salmon on a cedar plant with mixed vegetables while peering through the glass to make sure our daughter is still having fun. Not just an indoor play area, but a whole different mentality toward children and families.  That would be nice.

Because we want children to “behave”, we are constantly pushing them toward maturity and adulthood. For a child, it seems like their ultimate goal is to become an adult. What’s the hurry?

Unfortunately, we are in a hurry, because it is easier to manage children when they meet society’s expectations. And, as I stated earlier – those expectations are to be calm, polite and reasonable (among others).

I recently looked up the origin of the phrase “children need to be seen and not heard” and it actually dates back to the 15^th century (and was about both women and children being silent and submissive – but don’t get me started on that! ask.com). We have progressed in so many ways since then, but we have so much further to go when it comes to respecting children for who they are.

So, in the meantime – parents are stuck eating in unhealthy restaurants (or not going out at all), and dealing with the disapproving stares of those with limited perceptions of children whenever their child “acts like a child” (loud, rambunctious, demanding etc…).

I am not saying that children should not have any rules or expectations – that would be unrealistic and wouldn’t help them become strong members of society. But, the very society that we want them to be a part of doesn’t seem to honour them and their differences.

So, the next time you see a child running around the grocery store not listening to their parent,  or a child screaming in a restaurant – don’t give a disapproving stare. Just look the other way and pretend you don’t notice – give that parent as much privacy as you can manage. Because raising humans is hard enough without trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Help parents honour their children by giving them room to sort out life’s challenges - remember that it is a process. Children will grow and develop into healthy, strong, compassionate, productive members of society if we give them the chance to be seen and heard.

Dealing with tantrums in public

As parents, most of us have experienced those moments. You are shopping at a store with your children and something upsets them to the point of tantrum. They scream, throw their arms around – they may even throw themselves on the floor. You try and reason with them, but now you are embarrassed and wish you could just get out of there unnoticed.  These situations can be quite challenging to navigate, but here are some tips to get you through these tough times.

Plan Ahead:

Before you leave the house, talk to your children about what your expectations are while you are shopping. Use positive wording when describing how you would like them to behave.  For example: Instead of saying, “Don’t scream”, say, “We use our quiet voices”.  When planning to take your child shopping, keep in mind that most children can handle shopping for no more than 1 hour at a time. Think about your child’s best time of day. Most children are at their best in the morning. This is a good time to take them shopping. If that isn’t an option, make your shopping trip shorter. At the end of the day your children may only be able to handle a 30 minute trip to the store. Make sure you bring plenty of snacks, water, diapers, whatever it is you need to ensure that you child will be comfortable. Often times children get upset because they feel like their basic needs are not met (e.g., food, water or rest). Planning ahead will give you the best chances at a successful shopping trip.

Make it Fun:

Shopping has the potential to be a lot of fun for both you and your children. Involve your child in the process. Let them help you make a list of the things that you need before you leave the house. When at the store, remind them of the list and have them help you pick out some of those items. For younger children, you can draw a picture of the item that you need (apples) and the amount (6). This is a fun way to keep them involved and a wonderful learning opportunity. Children love to help. Giving them a job to do and making it fun will keep your children engaged in the process and therefore less likely to become distracted. Children are much more likely to become impatient and frustrated when they are bored.

Bring Back Up:

You have packed your snacks and have plenty of water so your child’s basic needs are met. That’s great! Now, there are a few other items that could be good to have as back up. If your child is restless and doesn’t feel like helping you with the shopping you can bring out the “grab bag”.  I call it the “grab bag” because it is good to have things in there that your children can play with and manipulate. Getting your children involved with their hands will take their minds off of the fact that they don’t really feel like shopping.   A “grab bag” is best to be used while your child is sitting in your shopping cart.  In your bag you could include: books, toys that have buttons to push (ones that aren’t too loud), squishy toys, photo album of family and friends, dolls and toy cars.  Each child’s interests are different, so you should have a separate bag for each of your children.  This will also help to reduce fighting over the items in the bags.

Remain Calm:

You have done everything you can to ensure that your little one stays busy and content, but something still triggers them to get upset. They start to scream and cry (perhaps because they want something that they aren’t allowed to have) and now you find yourself in the middle of a full out tantrum. You look around and it feels like everyone in the store is staring at you, you start to get embarrassed and feel like people are judging you (Most people are not judging you. Many of them are parents and know what it is like to be in your position).  Just take a deep breath and stay calm.  If you remain calm, it is less likely that you child will escalate even further. It is also important to stay calm because children can sense when you are uncomfortable and therefore more likely to give in to something you normally wouldn’t. The rules should be the same in public as they are at home or children will know that they can get away with more when you go out shopping.

 Allow them their moment:

When children start to scream our natural instinct is to try and be louder than they are in order to get their attention.  You will have much more luck getting their attention if you are quiet and calm.  Keep in mind that your child is still learning about what is an appropriate way to express their feelings.  All they know is that they are upset and feel unheard.  We all know what that’s like to feel like no one is listening to what we want (regardless of whether our demands make sense).  Give your child their moment to be upset.  Don’t try and make it better by giving in to your child’s demands, just listen to why they are upset and validate their feelings.  If they continue to scream and cry that’s ok.  Yes, it might be embarrassing – but it is an important part of learning that they won’t always be able to get what they want.  Give them a few minutes to be upset (you can take them out of the store if they continue to escalate or you don’t feel comfortable dealing with the situation where you are), then get down at eye level, encourage them to take some deep breaths and work on a solution together, and then return to the store (if you left).

Teach your child:

After you have taken some deep breaths and are able to get your child to focus. Use this opportunity as a teaching moment. Easier said than done, I know, especially when you are tired and frustrated. But, it will help your child understand what your expectations are and make other outings in the future easier.  Avoid giving your child a time out in public spaces.  Your child is already upset and feeling unheard.  Fighting with them over sitting in a time out will only cause them and you to become more frustrated.   After you have listened to why your child is upset, work on a solution that will work for both of you.  This also encourages problem solving skills.  Once you have figured out something that will work for both of you, go over the expectations you have while you are shopping (same ones you went over before leaving the house).  Remind them that how they feel is important to you, but that they also need to communicate their feelings without screaming or hitting.

Move on:

Give your child some affection, a hug or a silly handshake.  This will affirm for your child that you still love them regardless of how they behave and help you move on and start again.  Once you have moved on, don’t bring up what happened in the store. Focus on what your child is doing well and what they are doing that is helpful.  If your child continues to escalate or have several tantrums and there is no way to get them to calm down (after 5-10 minutes), be prepared to abort your shopping mission.  Your child may be too tired or uncomfortable to continue shopping.  Sometimes you will need to leave the store, go home and regroup.  This can be very frustrating and inconvenient, but may be necessary in order to properly deal with the situation.

Remember that shopping can be fun, and try not to dread taking your toddler to the grocery store. As children get older and understand how to express themselves in appropriate ways, tantrums in public will be a thing of the past.

 Happy Shopping!