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Saturday 17 November 2012

Time Out on "Time Outs"


Time Out on “Time Outs”
I have been thinking about "Time Outs" lately, and wondering whether or not they are an effective way to discipline a child. First of all, I don`t like the word `discipline` and I definitely don`t enjoy the word `punishment` – As parents our role is not to `discipline` our children, it is our job to teach them appropriate boundaries, empathy, pro-social behaviour and many other important life skills.

I am not really sure how long parents (and teachers for that matter) have been using `time outs`, but they certainly became very popular with the help of Super Nanny.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Super Nanny, or just need a refresher – here is a clip:


After watching that clip – I am sure that anyone would be on board with giving those children time outs.
I used to get right into watching Super Nanny – I would get excited to see how `bad` the children were and how Super Nanny was going to deal with them. It always seemed to take a while, but eventually she would break them down and they would become much more manageable and obedient.

As an Early Childhood Educator, I never worked at a Childcare Centre that allowed Time Outs so I didn`t really have much experience with implementing them. I assumed that they were a good way of dealing with problematic behaviours – and that someday I would use them as a parent or teacher.

Then I became a mom…and have since read many different viewpoints when it comes to using time outs –when to use them, how to use them…are they harmful? Do they even work?
As some of you may know from reading my other blog entries, I have one child – a daughter named Finley. She is now 22 months old and technically getting to the age where time outs start to be given ( Around 2 years old – although I read that you can give them to children as young as 1 year old. )

For those of you that don`t know , time outs are given to children when they are behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you as a parent. They are placed somewhere on their own (usually on a chair or a mat) and told that they need to stay there. A time out lasts for 1 minute for every year that your child is old (2 years old = 2 minutes etc…). Once your child is done their time out – they are usually asked to apologize for what they have done and can then go back to playing.

It sounds relatively harmless…doesn’t it?

Then I thought about it - often children are placed on time outs because they are having a difficult time dealing with their emotions…usually anger, frustration, disappointment or sadness. Then, while they are at their most vulnerable – we stick them on a chair and force them to deal with that very difficult emotion on their own. What are we really teaching them in that moment? That they are alone in dealing with hard feelings – that “bad” behaviour will find you isolated and removed from everyone else.

Some parents out there might be thinking, yes – when a child is behaving “badly” they should be isolated or “punished”. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that it is okay for children to behave in ways that are unacceptable – what I am saying is that they shouldn’t be left alone to figure out why they feel what they feel.

Here is an interesting article about why time outs could be harmful to your child:


There were a few things that stood out for me about this article:
1)      “The child loses face and has plenty of time to sit around fantasizing revenge.  (Did you really think she was resolving to be a better person?)” (#4 on the list)

·         This made me laugh…the idea of my sweet little daughter plotting her revenge. I could actually see her doing that.

2)      “It weakens our bond with our child. Unfortunately, that bond is the only reason children behave to begin with.” (#5 on the list)

·         The bond that you have with your child is so important – from the time they are born you are teaching them whether they can trust that you will guide and protect them or not. (Attachment Parenting)
 
3)      “Timeouts are a terrific management technique for keeping your own emotions regulated.  When you find yourself losing it, take five.”

·         I am sure that all parents at some point will need their own time out – time to regroup and think about what the best course of action is.

 After reading the article – watch this clip from Super Nanny where she teaches a mom how to implement a time out. Do you think this time out is harmful or necessary?
 
Personally, I had a hard time watching that clip – I even had tears in my eyes. Perhaps I am a big sap, or I am just aware that the child in that clip was in distress and was having a very difficult time communicating what she actually needed. Instead of communicating with this little girl – that poor mother was guided to have a 1.5 hour power struggle just to have her child sit and apologize. Did that child actually learn anything? What does “sorry” really mean? Is it a “get out of time out free card”…or is it genuine remorse?

I can't imagine trying to put Finley in a time out when she is that upset. I believe that the mom in that clip was crying because there was something inside of her that told her that her child needed her - regardless of dinner needing to be made." Giving in" and  picking up her child is not the answer either - but there are other ways to work with your children instead of against them.
 Why not involve your child in what you are doing? Get them to help you make dinner - give them a list of the ingredients that you will need and see if they can find them in the fridge. Usually children just want to be doing what you are doing - which I realize is not always possible, but when it is - give them the chance to feel a part of what is going on. Instead of isolating them on a chair because they are not listening to you. If you get them involved from the beginning, it is less likely that a situation like this would require a time out (at the end of this clip you can even hear the child asking to "help" her mom - perhaps that is all she really wanted).
As it states in the above article, time outs are definitely better than using corporal punishment on your children – but is it the best, most effective tool in teaching your child appropriate behaviour and boundaries?

I think we can agree that time outs have the potential to harm developing self-esteem in your young children. So, what is the alternative? The alternative is Positive Discipline (although I prefer not to use the word Discipline). It is really about coaching and teaching your child how to regulate their own emotions and communicate their feelings before they become overwhelming. And if they do express difficult emotions in ways that are hurtful to others, that we teach them the importance of empathy – and truly being sorry for their behaviour (not using their “get out of time out free card”).

Positive Communication is key to any healthy relationship – including the relationship you have with your child.

I am not saying that you should never use a time out with your child, but I am hoping that after reading this blog entry you will think a bit differently about time outs and ask yourself whether they are necessary or harmful in the moment that you want to give one to your child (or student for that matter).

By being proactive, using positive discipline and getting your children involved when possible - you will find the "need" for time outs will be significantly reduced.
What is positive discipline? Stay Tuned for Part Two: Time out on “Time Outs” – Positive Discipline.

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Tuesday 14 August 2012

Sesame Street, Golden Girls and Glee

You might be asking yourself, what do these television shows all have in common? Beside the fact that they are all great shows to watch, they happen to be Finley’s favourites.

How did that happen? Let me explain…

When I was pregnant with Finley, I can remember getting into some pretty interesting conversations with moms about their children. They always wanted to give me advice (unsolicited of course).  One mom I talked to asked me “what kind” of child I was hoping for. I assumed she meant boy or girl and I said the usual thing that most parents say, “I just want the baby to be healthy”. She looked at me funny and said, “Let’s hope you have one of those kids that you can just sit in front of the television and they will stay there. It makes things much easier.”  She then started to talk about the difference in her two children, how one was “able” to sit in front of the television (9 months old) while the other one would never sit still (3 years old).

I pictured this poor little baby sitting” watching” television hour after hour (who knows how long they actually watched ) and thinking, “Here is an uninformed parent – has she not read all the research about television watching for children?”

After Finley was born, we were adamant that she not watch television until she was at least 2 years old. We were following the latest research that suggested that television is not just a waste of time, but that it actually can cause damage to developing brains. The link below has the latest guidelines on activity for children under the age of four by the Canadian Society for Exercise Physiology:

http://www.csep.ca/CMFiles/Guidelines/AGREE%20SB%20report_March%2023_final.pdf

Seeing as both my partner and I love to watch television, this became quite the task. I wouldn’t say that we watch a lot of television, but we certainly had our favourite shows.

So, during her first year – Finley didn’t watch any television. We didn’t even want her in the same room as a television that was on.

When Finley got to be around 14-15 months old it all changed – slowly but surely she started to “watch” television.

Finley had fallen asleep on the couch one day so we took the opportunity to watch an episode of Glee that we had previously recorded. I guess the music woke her up and she looked at the TV in amazement. What was this bright and colourful box that made wonderful sounds? She stared at it for a while. My partner and I looked at each other,“She’s not supposed to watch television until she is 2 years old” I said.  Then Finley got so excited and started to dance. She seemed to be mimicking the dancers on the show. You could tell that she loved the music – it connected with something inside of her.

One of Finley’s favourite’s (and mine): the Adele mash-up from the last season of Glee:





From then on, we all watched Glee once a week. Finley continued to dance around the living room – coming up with different movements each week. We figured…once a week…that can’t be that bad…can it? We worried that we were causing some sort of cognitive problems in our child…would she be delayed in school because we let her watch Glee. Would it be all over the papers, “Parents Let Child Under Two Watch Glee, Causes Brain Delay”.
Then I remembered a child from one of the daycares I had worked at. Her family didn’t believe in watching television – she had never really seen one. The staff decided to have a movie day to celebrate the end of the year and we were watching some Disney Film. The parents were fine with their child watching a movie with all her friends, but they weren’t sure how she would handle it. She seemed very excited to be in a dark room with all her friends, waiting for the movie to come on. The movie started and I can still see the look of sheer PANIC on that child’s face. She got so upset that she ran from the room and refused to come back. She stayed in another room for the rest of the movie, playing with blocks and puzzles – but missed out on an opportunity to be with her friends. Afterwards, all the children were talking about the movie and this little girl was left out of the conversations. I felt bad for her and wondered if eliminating all television had really benefited her in the long run.

We didn’t want Finley to be babysat by the television, but we also didn’t want her to run screaming from a room when a television was on. We decided that there needed to be a balance.

After the season of Glee ended, we thought it might be good to introduce her to some educational programs for children (there aren’t that many out there). We showed her a few episodes of Sesame Street (once a week) and she was hooked.

Here is Glee on Sesame Street – the best of both worlds!


Elmo is her favourite character – what’s not to love about Elmo! He is a bright red puppet that is full of laughter and love.

(Side Note: See the Documentary “Being Elmo” – it is great http://beingelmo.com/)
Then came the Golden Girls. Yes, that’s right – the show about 4 old ladies eating cheesecake. I happen to have the whole collection! Finley found one of the DVD cases one day and started to ask questions about it (in her own little way). I pointed out all the characters and explained that they were all actors that had roles on the television show. We showed her one episode to see what she would do…and she loved it – I mean looooooooved it.
Her favourite character is Rose (Betty White) – what’s not to love about Betty White? She is a bright shining light, full of laughter and love.

Now she asks to watch the “Gee Gees” almost every day, and wants us to sing the theme song to her in order for her to go to sleep.  For a Golden Girls theme song refresher click here:
At this point, Finley probably watches television every other day for about an hour. Sometimes Sesame Street, but it is usually the Golden Girls (hilarious, I know). It is important to note that Finley doesn’t watch it by herself – it is something fun that we do together as a family.
We try not to feel guilty about her time spent in front of the television and for all those parents out there who allow their children to watch some television – you shouldn’t feel guilty either! Television is a part of our society, they are found in most homes. Most living rooms are designed to have the TV be the focal point of the room – all of our furniture faces it (this is the bigger concern for our society in general…but that is probably not going to change).
So, moderation is the key. I still believe that television has no educational/entertainment value to any child under the age of one and many children under the age of two. They are just not at a cognitive level that allows them to process all of the different messages, images and signals. However, if your child is between the ages of 12 and 24 months and you feel that they are “ready” to watch television, test it out. Do they interact with the program that they are watching? Do they point and seem to want to know more about what they are seeing? Or, do they stare blankly at the screen? If they are not really showing any interest in what they are watching, they are not ready.
One of the biggest concerns about children watching too much television is that they are not interacting with other people – so make it an interactive experience. Ask them questions about what they are seeing. What is Elmo learning about today? Do you remember the letter/number of the day? Etc…
Finding a balance can be hard, but as your children get older, television will most likely play a role in their lives. Make sure you know what they are watching, which is a whole other blog post, and limit their “sedentary time”.
Television isn't all bad…especially if you're watching Sesame Street, Golden Girls and Glee, just ask Finley!
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Sunday 5 August 2012

Professor Mom’s Top Ten Toilet Training Tips


I am not actually a fan of the term “toilet training”, but most people are familiar with  this term. I prefer to call it “toilet skills”, because learning to use the toilet is a basic life skill that we all need to learn at some point. There is a lot of advice out there on how to “train” your children to use the toilet, so try not to get caught up in all the hype. Beware of toilet training books or sites that suggest you can “train” your child to use the toilet in a day…or even a week. Learning to use the toilet takes time, just like any other life skill.

That being said, I hope that you find this list helpful. These tips have been working for us and so I wanted to share them with you.

1.    Monkey See, Monkey Doo-Doo
The reason that I put this as number one on my top ten list is because I believe that it is fundamental to the process of learning to use the toilet. If your children see you using the toilet (yes, this includes #1 and #2) they will not only be interested in using the toilet, but they will learn much faster. Children learn better (especially when they are young) when they can visualize what it is that you want them to do. So, don’t be shy…leave the door open and let them wander in (and they will!). When they show an interest in what you are doing, describe to them what is happening and then show them the result. Let them see the process all the way through to flushing the toilet and washing your hands. I know that many parents may find this difficult, especially when we get so few minutes to ourselves – but keep in mind that your children will benefit from visual cues and it will help them learn to use the toilet much sooner.

2.    Ready, Set, Go!

Once your children have shown an interest in what you are doing in the bathroom they are ready to be introduced to the toilet. Keep in mind that every child is different and will be ready to use the toilet at different stages in their development. On average, children start to use the toilet between the ages of 18-24 months. This does not mean that they will necessarily master this skill in that time frame – but they should be introduced to the idea. We started to teach Finley when she was 17 months old. She was very curious about the toilet (from seeing us use it many times), so we decided to start her “early” and see what would happen. 

 3.    Keep it Real

After you decide that your child is ready to start using the toilet, you will have the choice between a “potty” or an actual child sized toilet seat. Choose the toilet seat! You ultimately want your child to learn to use the toilet, not a potty – using the toilet to begin with will save you a step (and lets’ face it – who wants to clean out a potty every time?). After purchasing a child sized toilet seat, show it to your child and get them excited about using it (“We bought a toilet seat just for Finley so that she can use the toilet like a big girl”).  Remember to use the real names for things. Your child will be using the toilet to go pee and poo, not `take a tinkle`` or ``have a doo-doo`. Using the proper words will help your child understand the process and in turn help them use the toilet.
  
4.    Give Pee a Chance

Once they have become excited about using the toilet – give them a chance to try it. Put them on the toilet and just let them sit there for as long as they want (5-15 minutes to start). It is important that you do not leave your child unattended on the toilet, especially if they can`t get down on their own. Don’t expect that anything will happen the first time you place them on the toilet – it may take several times before you get any results. The purpose of this step is to get them use to sitting on the toilet. If they pee – great – but focus on the fact that learning to sit on the toilet is an important part of the process. (It look Finley about 6 times sitting on the toilet before she peed for the first time).

5.    Read with the Flow





You may be wondering…how am I going to be able to encourage my child to sit on the toilet when they barely sit still anywhere else? This is where books come in! Have a stack of books in the bathroom so that your child has something to look at while they are sitting on the toilet. You can read these books to your child or have them look through the pictures themselves. You can even choose a few special books that are only for `toilet time`, so that your child gets excited about seeing those books and going to the bathroom.
6.    Praise, Praise, Praise

Remember to praise your child`s efforts as well as their successes.  This is important to keep in mind for whatever your child is trying to accomplish. Children need to know that you are proud of them just for trying .For this reason, I am not a big fan of reward charts – because they only celebrate your child`s successes. Give them lots of praise for trying and even more praise when they do finally pee (or poo) for the first time. Make a celebration out of it (but don’t go overboard). Simply saying positive words,(Good for you!  Way to go!),clapping your hands and singing a song (see my blog, When in doubt…SING) is enough. You don`t need to hire a clown and buy balloons – this will only be a major let down the next time they use the toilet and they discover that no clown is coming.

Right: Finley getting excited after having a pee on the toilet (she may not be so thrilled about this picture when she is 18 years old).

7.    Recognize the Signs

Learning to recognize the signs that your child needs to use the toilet can be challenging. Every child is different and will have different ways of telling you that they have to go. Some children will pull at their diapers, others will point to the bathroom and some may get very quiet and squat in a corner somewhere. Watch your child closely and learn the signs. (Finley will say, `Poo, Poo, Poo`` repeatedly until you take her to the bathroom.)

8.    Same Time, Same Place

It is also important that you learn when your child usually needs to go. We all develop an internal routine of when we need to use the bathroom. Many children need to use the bathroom first thing in the morning, after meals, before and after naps and before bed. You will start to see a pattern of when your child has to go (especially poo) and you can build your bathroom routine around these times.

9.    May I Remind You
As you get further along in the process, children will often need reminders. Children can become distracted and as a result may forget to use the toilet.  Never scold your child for having accidents! If they do have an accident, help them change their clothes and give them a reminder to use the toilet next time. Reminding them to use the toilet at certain times in the day (before you leave the house, before bed, after meals etc…) will help them master the skill of using the toilet and minimize the mishaps.

10. Slow and Steady Wins the Race

You will need a lot of patience. This is a process and it will take time. Be patient with yourself and your child and remember that every child learns at a different rate. Don`t be in a hurry (easier said than done). Make sure that you devote enough time each day for your child to use the toilet. No one likes to be rushed when they are using the bathroom - your child is the same way. Give them the time and encouragement they need and most children will master this skill in due time.

Note: If you are concerned that your child is not learning to use the toilet at an appropriate rate, contact your doctor for advice.

This is my top ten list – what’s yours? I invite you to share your process of teaching your children to use the toilet. What worked for you? What didn’t work as well? 

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Thursday 2 August 2012

When in doubt...SING!

I can remember many years ago working as a camp counsellor for a summer camp at a community centre.  I was in charge of planning activities and supervising children ages 4 years to 17 years old – quite a large age range. I was very new to working with children and was unfamiliar with how to deal with conflicts that came up between them.  My co-counsellor was also inexperienced so it made for quite the interesting summer.

We were playing a game in the gym one day and a few boys started to argue and then fight. My co-counsellor looked at me with panic in her eyes – and I knew it was up to me to do something. Not having any background in behaviour management I just did the first thing that came to mind…I started to sing. Yes, that’s right – four 16 year old boys are fighting each other in the gym and I randomly break out into song. I sang, “Please don’t fight, please…please don’t fight – I said…don’t fight, don’t fight, please…please don’t fight!” I sang it like I was a cheerleader and jumped up and down like I had pom-poms in my hands.
Well, as you can imagine – my co-counselor’s look of panic had changed to confusion and perhaps concern for my sanity. She looked at me and then looked at the boys, who had stopped fighting…looked back at me – and then, we all broke into hysterical laughter. The boys seemed to forget what they were fighting about and we went back to playing our game.

I never forgot that. There is a lot of power in singing.
As a mom, I have incorporated this philosophy, “When in doubt…Sing” into our daily lives.  There are instances that come up in a day, when Finley (my daughter, 19 months old) would rather not do what needs to be done (diaper changes, eating, washing hands and face, tidying up, going for a nap, using the toilet, coming in from outside…the list goes on). Singing almost always makes these tasks much easier to manage, for both of us. It has the power to break their focus for a minute, allowing you the opportunity to side-step a power struggle.  Example: Your child doesn't want to brush their teeth (we use this one with Finley) - pick a short song and sing it to them while brushing their teeth. This will give them something else to focus on and will help them learn that they can stop brushing their teeth when the song is done. We sing, "Twinkle, Twinkle, little star".

 It is not only great for defusing challenging situations, it is also helpful during transitions and encouraging life skills – like tidying.

When it is time for us to tidy up, we often sing the “Tidy up song”. Some parents may already be familiar with this song, but for those who aren’t, here are the lyrics. “Clean up, clean up, everybody - everywhere. Clean up, clean up, everybody do their share.”  It is amazing how quickly your children will tidy when you (and eventually them) are singing this song.  Children at this age (Toddlers) are starting to exert their independence and it can be hard to convince them that they need to do something that they don’t want to do.  Singing is a fun and positive approach to getting your children interested in something that needs to be done.
This Potty time song is also a favourite in our house:



It makes me laugh every time I listen to it…and is fun for Finley as she learns to use the toilet. I have also been known to make up songs for using the toilet, like: “Poo-Poo in the toilet” sung to the tune of “Message in a Bottle” by the Police. (But that’s a whole other blog!)
And, singing can be done anytime, anywhere. You carry around this great resource with you everywhere you go. I encourage you to sing…sing songs that you like (with appropriate lyrics of course) or make them up as you go along.

Remember, when you are transitioning, building on new skills or dealing with a challenging situation…

When in doubt…SING!


- PM

Wednesday 1 August 2012

Emergent Parenting

As you may have read already in my profile, I am an Early Childhood Educator and a mother of a wonderful 19 month old girl named Finley. She is very bright and involves herself in many different things, so it can be a challenge coming up with activities that will hold her attention and build on her skills.  As an emergent parent, I facilitate her learning by really paying attention to the things that she likes. In the Early Childhood Education field, we talk a lot about Emergent Curriculum. This follows a similar principle that children learn best when they are interested in what you are teaching.  Many child care centres have adopted this teaching philosophy because it is an approach to teaching that recognizes that children are leaders for their own learning. This is a conscious way of teaching, meaning that you observe the children – discover their interests and then incorporate that into your curriculum plan. This same principle can be used as a parent. You don’t have to be an Early Childhood Educator to implement these principles into your regular schedule.

The first step to being an emergent parent is observing your children. I know that it may seem daunting to add yet another thing to your routine, but this will have huge benefits to both you and your children. Take some time once a week to sit back and watch your children (enjoy a cup of coffee at the same time). What toys are they interested in? What are they saying? What books do they show an interest in? Write down the date and what you see and hear in a journal. This journal will also be a keepsake that you can show your children when they are older. When you get some time to yourself (after they have gone to sleep), go over what you have written. If you notice, for example, that your child is showing an interest in balls – come up with activities that include balls, but that are also educational. It is important to plan activities that enhance all of the developmental domains (Cognitive, Social, Emotional, Creative and Physical).
Example 1: Talk to your child about different sizes, using balls to indicate small, medium and large (Cognitive). Example 2: Bring a ball outside and play a game with some neighbourhood children (Social+ Physical). Example 3:  Make a chart and see which ball bounces the highest (Cognitive). Example 4: Use balls in an art activity, by rolling them through paint (Creative). Example 5: Buy some inexpensive balls that have no images on them and use a permanent marker to draw faces on them – happy, sad, angry etc. Talk about the different emotions that each ball represents and then use the balls in a game. Have your child show emotion through bouncing the angry ball, Twirling the happy ball and rolling the sad ball. You can also have your child come up with different movements for the balls. (Emotional)

If you are really into it (and you have the time), take pictures of your child while they do these activities and then add them into your journal. You can also decorate them by including some of the art work that they do.

There are so many different ways to encourage your child’s learning by using things that they are interested in. By focussing on what they want to do, you can help your children grow in each of the developmental domains (Cognitive, Social, Emotional, Creative, and Physical).  If you're interested in learning more about emergent curriculum, check out this link: http://www.frfp.ca/professional-resources/program-planning-and-resources/Emergent-Curriculum/Emergent-curriculum-for-infants-and-toddlers-booklet-Canadian-Child-Care-Federation.pdf.

If you are having some difficulty coming up with activities that match your child’s interests, feel free to comment on this blog or send me an email and I'd be happy to give you some ideas.

- PM










Welcome to Professor Mom!

Thanks for visiting my new blog!

Here's a little bit about me and why I decided to start blogging......

As a mom, I am a breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping - attachment parent. I am a stay-at-home mom who also works from home part-time.

As an educator, I have 15 years of experience working with children and families. I am a Registered Early Childhood Educator and I am currently a teacher of Early Childhood Education at an Ontario College.

When I first became a mom (19 months ago), I went to many playgroups and spoke to many other new moms. Once they found out that I was an Early Childhood Educator, they asked questions.  Lots of questions. They wanted to know what was normal childhood development, where to find quality childcare, how to manage being a new parent, breastfeeding, attachment parenting and many other topics.

I decided to write this blog in the hopes of sharing some of my experience and education to help parents deal with some of these challenging topics in a straight forward and easy to understand way. I hope that the topics I discuss will generate discussion and I hope you'll post comments and send me your questions and ideas.   

 - PM
On a side note: This blog is an expression of my opinion and should not be taken as medical advice. If you have concerns related to your child’s health or development, please contact your doctor or other health related professional.